What is a critiquer?" I naively ask. "A critiquer", Daniel explains, "is a person who critiques."
"That's just dandy, Mr. Webster! If I knew what a critique was, I wouldn't be asking you about a 'critiquer'. You could have saved me time and effort by saying: 'A critiquer is another word for criticizer. One who finds fault and then points out these flaws and errors to the person, place or thing in question, either in person or in writing?' It sure would have saved me two or three trips back to your dictionary, sir."
Okay, I understand. It's like a parent who reviews his child's report card, or a pundit who critiques an opening Show on Broadway, or a judge critiquing a contestant in a singing contest; if the critique is Bad - the child gets grounded, the Broadway Show closes, and the singing contestant gets humiliated in front of millions of viewers.
Never mind the child's report card or the Broadway Show closing; let's talk the meanest, most honest Critiquer of our Century, Simon Cowell, (referred to as "Mr. Nasty" by the tabloids).
I cringed and uttered an empathetic "Ouch" the first time I heard Simon Cowell critique an " Idol" contestant. If I, sitting alone in my living room a thousand miles away from the scene cringed and muttered an "oath of pain".... how do you suppose the poor berated singer felt?
But guess what? I'd give a mint to have Simon Cowell critique my writing abilities; IF, perchance, I have any writing ability to critique? You gotta admit the guy is Honest, and because of it - he's the judge that the fans most Love to Hate. In fact it was Simon's honest critiquing that lured me into the show in the first place.
If, by chance he ever did critique me, I can hear him now; "Who ever told you, you could write?" I'm sure my knees would buckle, my mouth would go dry, and I'd probably tremble from head to toe with fright, But I'd have a reply:
"Well, Sir, a whole bunch of kooks, which you might call them, who had access to telephones.... told me. They called me, non-stop, day and night, for three solid days after my first article appeared in the local Newspaper back in March of 1994, praising me, congratulating me, and telling me to write some more.
"To be perfectly honest, it didn't hinder my status as a writer that my article was about the untimely death of a dearly beloved writer, humorist and Syndicated Columnist by the name of Lewis Grizzard, who...convenient for me, had boo-coos of avid fans who adored him, and were devastated at his sudden and unexpected passing; and I admit that's probably why I received such accolades and kudos. They were moved by emotion, and even grown men wept as they thanked me for my touching words about their hero.
"So, to answer your question, Mr. Cowell...it was Lewis Grizzard's fans that told me I could write; followed by a few Magazine Editors that published some of my work later, so that made me, myself and I, Think I could write also." (I Wonder what he would have said or thought of my answer)?
It's immaterial now, as. Simon Cowell is signing off as a Judge of American Idol after this season... and I have a prediction to make:: Sound of Trumpet... Da,= Ta,= Ta! =Ta!= Da!!! " Without Mr. Nasty, the Show will lose it's ratings, and slowly fold."
"Hmm...".( A light bulb came on in my head), I started this "so-called writing hobby" after bidding a fond farewell to the writer Lewis Grizzard, whose fans gave me the courage, moxie and guts to continue, plus applause, so perhaps I can make a "Come-back" by writing a fond farewell to Simon, The Greatest Critiquer of all Time, and maybe, just maybe, His loyal fans will give me High-Fives, raving reviews, kudos and a "standing ovation" that will be my passport through the crowded milky-way, catapult me past the blinding stardust and give me the secret password to the stars.
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