Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: The Critique/Review (for writers) (05/06/10)
TITLE: The Right-on Writing Academy
By Tiffanie Chezum
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Thank you for your interest in our online writing academy. I’m sure you’ll find all the encouragement and coaching you need to become the writer you’ve always wanted to be.
Your first assignment is to write a short article about a fond childhood memory. Once submitted, I will review your work and provide feedback to help you improve your writing techniques.
I look forward to working with you.
Right-on Writing Academy
Please see the attached story which I have attached, the child hood story I wrote was one of my favorite stories from when I was a child and I hope you enjoy it.
Your submission was, shall we say, interesting. I sense you have great desire to express yourself.
One suggestion: You seem to repeat words often. In your story you used the phrase, “she smiled” thirteen times. Try changing things up a bit, using different words or expressions. Perhaps investing in a thesaurus would benefit you.
Resubmit your article and see if you can find different ways to describe the action.
On your advice I pick upped a thesaurus and I must say, I never cognizanted how many terms I could use to express my logicalizing and I have rewritten my previous chronicle using my aggrandized vocabulary and I must gratitude you for your accommodateness.
You certainly used a lot of big words, but I’m not sure you really understood what I was saying. It’s not enough just to use big words; you need to use all of your words effectively … and properly.
It’s not enough just to tell me your sister fell in the pool; find a way to bring it to life. Describe the day, what she was wearing, the smells in the air and what the splash looked and sounded like.
Let’s try something a little different. Think about the last time you went out to dinner and tell me as many details as you can remember. And you might want to use spell check before submitting your work.
Thank you Nanette!
I think I conjecture what you’re articulating. When I sat down to correspond I cogitated about the events and pondered how to explication them. Then I realized how coruscated my lamp was and how it cascaded shadows over my keyboard and the warmth it emetics and my mentally became very excited because I was thinking about so many more aspects, like the aromatically scented candle flaming on the coffee table in the midst of my living room and I knew if I could elucidating so much about my desk that my rendezvousing would be even easier. Again I am great full, you have given me an appreciated of details which I was never heedfulness and I have assimilated these into my writings which I have forwarded to you for evaluation.
I appreciate your enthusiasm and eagerness. It appears you put a great deal of effort into your attempts to describe the events of your night out, but your making this more laborious than it needs to be. It seems the harder you try to advance your writing techniques the more difficult your work is to read. At this point we need to concentrate on concepts that are a tad bit more elementary.
Let’s start with sentence structure. You need to separate your thoughts and descriptions, otherwise the reader becomes confused or overwhelmed. See the attached lesson plan and practice using proper punctuation. I think you’ll find it much easier to keep your thoughts in order; and it will be much easier for people to read them.
Remember, you really don’t need to replace so many basic words with fancy or elaborate words. Please, just write me a simple story.
I understand. In regarding punctuation. I express my graciousness.
I feel my capableness has greatly enhancement. When it comes to communicability of narratives. I have used this adroit ability. On my latest work; which I affixed.
Dear Miss Andrews:
I regret to inform you that Nannette has been placed on an extended leave by her doctor. Due to this fact we have determined it would benefit both parties to refund your tuition rather than subject a less experienced instructor to your account. We wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
Human Resources Administrator
Right-on Writing Academy
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