The Official Writing Challenge
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I hope this comment encourages you and helps you improve, because there is a bit of red stuff I need to leave here.

Your story is a beautiful story. It's poignant and unfolds nicely.

The problem I had, while reading, was that there was a staccato to your writing in this piece. I felt like the story was broken up, sentence by sentence. I think with a good edit it would have rolled along and kept me swept up without making me mentally pause to connect the dots.

Sometimes there can be too much detail.

But please hear me, your writing is beautiful. It's a lovely piece. Thank you for sharing it and I do hope this encourages you to keep writing.