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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: The Pen is Mightier than the Sword (04/08/10)

TITLE: License To Kill (With Really Bad Poetry)
By Joshua Janoski
04/14/10


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He adjusted his necktie and admired his reflection. The man shining off the surface of the elevator door had slick backed blonde hair and a freshly pressed pinstripe suit which secretly housed a silenced pistol.

Name: Jay Blonde
Occupation: ME2’s finest secret agent

The elevator came to a stop and the door slid open.

“Agent 3.14! You’re late!”

Name: Agent U (Joined the agency after Agent “T”)
Occupation: ME2’s Director of Science and Really Cool Spy Gadgets

Jay stepped off the elevator into the giant underground supply room.

“Relax, U. An agent of my stature isn’t late…I’m simply early for tomorrow’s events.”

“Yes, well that excuse doesn’t work when this mission was supposed to be executed YESTERDAY. I’m assuming that Threepenny has briefed you already?”

“Well, first she reprimanded me for my excessive drinking, midnight flings with beautiful women, and gratuitous karate chops to the jugular…and then she told me about this Russian terrorist named Vladkofsky that I need to investigate.”

Agent U walked over to a workbench and tinkered with a small radio device. “She has a point, 3.14. You have become quite puffed up as of late and have quit listening to orders. Being a day late getting back from Tahiti didn’t help lighten Threepenny’s mood towards you.”

“A woman there needed my assistance after I finished wiping out that drug cartel.”

“Judging by the lipstick on your collar and the fragrant perfume wafting from your pinstripes, I’d say that she got all the help she desired.” U continued to work on the radio.

“Since when did enjoying a Jamba Juice Peach Pleasure smoothie, blended not stirred, become a crime? Isn’t holding a woman in my arms the best way to shield her from the occasional stray bullet? If Chuck Norris is allowed to roundhouse kick people in the face, can I not enact a little kung-fu justice on a Belgian thug?”

“It’s not your methods that are the problem, Jay. It’s your attitude! Remember when you first came to ME2 as a junior agent? Then you were known as Agent Pi, and you were a humble and obedient chap. That smoothie must have found its way up into your head and given your good judgment a brain freeze.”

“Or perhaps it’s that microchip you implanted in there a few months back. It malfunctioned and now instead of picking up radio frequencies, I see the BBC broadcast whenever I close my eyes.”

Agent U walked over to a keypad on the wall and punched in a code. A door in the wall lifted up revealing a large room full of technological wonders.

“Enough debating. Let’s get you equipped for your mission.”

Jay admired the cool spy toys within the room. “Nice work, U. I see a number of intriguing new gadgets. Is this an iPad?”

“Don’t touch that! I just got that from Apple yesterday! Your device is over on that table.”

Jay stepped up to a table littered with gadgets, gizmos, and widgets. He picked up a pen.

“You’re still tinkering around with ballpoint pens?”

“This isn’t any ordinary pen! It’s a revolutionary device that will humble you and teach you new ways of handling sticky situations!”

“Does it fire missiles?”

“No.”

“Shoot a grappling hook?”

“Not exactly.”

“Store phone numbers of lovely Italian women?”

“Absolutely not! Just press the button on top.”

Jay clicked the button and a writing tip popped out.

“It’s a normal pen.”

“Exactly! A weapon used to write your way out of dangerous scenarios! Burly henchmen appear tough on the outside, but when confronted with poetic words, they melt into puddles. Take this piece of paper and write something beautiful.”

James pondered his assignment and then scribbled some thoughts down. U took the paper and read it aloud.

Femme fatale with navy blue eyes,

Why must you feed me such deceitful lies?

Posing as a stewardess flown down from the Heavens,

Truth is revealed when you pull out your AK-47.


“That is poetic genius is it not, U?”

“Well, that will bring your foes to tears. Tears of pain instead of joy perhaps, but tears nonetheless. With some practice you may eventually be able to write a decent rhyming couplet. I’d recommend you get some training, 3.14.”

“I don’t need training just the proper tools. I’m trading the silly pen for this laptop here.”

“Wait! Don’t touch that, Jay! That isn’t really a laptop! It’s a…”

“Aaaagh!”

“…FLAMETHROWER! Oh my! I guess it’s time to introduce you to my electronic hair implants.”


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This article has been read 429 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/15/10
I can't tell you the number of times I laughed out loud. Two of my favorites were the smoothie and the i-pad. It was quite funny and I really did enjoy it.
Rachel Phelps04/20/10
Too funny! Great title - it ensured that I *had* to read this one. Great comedic touch.
Gerald Shuler 04/20/10
I'm in tears about the poem and I'm not even the foe. Great humor, as always.
Loren T. Lowery04/20/10
Oh the power in a retractable ballpoint pen and brainfreeze. This was a delight to read and the message fun to find mixed within all the tongue-in-cheek humor.
Patricia Herchenroether04/20/10
What great fun! You're so good at this stuff, lol.
Beth LaBuff 04/20/10
What a riot this creative story is! :) You've totally entertained this reader. (I was also hoping for "an alliance" reminiscent of the one at last years FW conference--maybe next time) :) Welcome back to the challenge, Josh!
Noel Mitaxa 04/21/10
Don't worry about 'bad poetry' Josh. After so long away it could have been much 'verse!' I enjoyed the satire, as it reminded me of my MAD magazine high school days - all those years ago.
Welcome back, even if having you around makes the competition a tad tougher.
Gregory Kane04/22/10
I see that married life hasn't affected your zaniness. A most delightful parody.