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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Postcards (08/29/05)

TITLE: And the Walls Stayed Right Up There: Postcards from the Jericho City Government
By Kathleen Fairman
09/04/05


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To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Events Coordinator

Dear Mr. Nun:

This postcard is in response to your request for a permit to hold a 7-day demonstration at the Jericho wall. To process your request, we need the following additional information:

1) Your proposed use of 7 trumpets, coupled with shouting, appears likely to cause considerable noise at a proximity of only 3 cubits from city boundaries. Please provide an environmental assessment and remediation procedure detailing your compliance with Noise Abatement Regulation 310.9, subparagraph (C).

2) City regulation 209.3 limits the quantity of particulate matter emitted into the ambient atmosphere in unpaved areas. Please document the procedures that you will use to limit the dust generated by several thousand marching soldiers.

Your request will be processed upon receipt of the requested information.

*****

To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Public Health Department

Dear Mr. Son:

This postcard is to notify you that your recent circumcision of thousands of male residents of the Gilgal Camp is in violation of City Regulation 912.4, which restricts the performance of surgical procedures to government-licensed facilities. Please cease and desist from the performance of any medical procedures without proper notification to and approval by Public Health officials.

******

To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Civil Engineering Department

Dear Sir:

Residents of Adam in the Zarerthan district have reported to us that you recently engaged in an unauthorized engineering procedure involving a crossing of the River Jordan, in which unspecified blockages caused the drying of said river at your crossing point, coupled with loss of water flow to the Dead Sea and flooding upstream to the north. Please be advised that, according to City Regulation 661.9, detailed blueprints of proposed water control dams must be submitted to us sixty (60) days in advance of the proposed project start date. Violations are punishable with a fine of 1,000 shekels. Kindly make your check or money order for that amount payable to the City of Jericho Treasury, and mail with a completed form 661.9-A.

****
To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Events Coordinator

Dear Mr. Nun:

Thank you for your response to our inquiry regarding your proposed march around the city walls. Recent changes to our city regulations at 886.1 require a complete assessment of procedures for crowd coordination, riot control and screening for weaponry during the proposed marching, trumpeting, and shouting activities. Upon receipt of a completed form 886.2-A documenting appropriate supervisory procedures, we can finalize our response to your request.

*****

To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Environmental Engineering Department

Dear Son of Nun:

This postcard is regarding a complaint filed jointly by the Homeowners Association of the Jordan River Development, which abuts the western edge of the Gilgal Camp, and two workers affiliated with Local Chapter 409 of the Sanitation Engineers of Canaan. They allege that hauling of refuse, using caravans of mules, camels, and untrained personnel, is regularly taking place at your camp. Please be advised that City of Jericho regulation 717.2 requires that refuse mediation staff receive at least six (6) months of training in proper odor emission control procedures and pay dues to the local union chapter. Kindly correct your procedures accordingly and respond to the complaint at your earliest convenience by completing Schedule C of form J-110, long form.


*****

To: Joshua, Son of Nun, Gilgal Camp
From: City of Jericho, Events Coordinator

Dear Mr. Nun:

This postcard is to notify you that your request for a permit to march around city walls has been denied for the following reasons:

1) Your application makes repeated references to a “God of Israel,” yet we can find no “God of Israel” in our human resources database, union rolls, or census files. We also find no evidence that reliance on the “God of Israel” constitutes adequate supervision.

2) Your application includes no provisions to protect our residents from potentially harmful physical and psychological effects. We believe that the proposed march could be unsafe.


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This article has been read 775 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 09/05/05
Love it! Humorous, well-written, creative.
dub W09/05/05
This is great - writing outside of the box, very creative. Thanks.
Eric Horn09/06/05
This is the funniest story I've read - of any kind - in a long, long time.
janet rubin09/06/05
I am delighted to be one of the first to discover this brilliant, hillarious article! I'm hoping it wins 1st place.
Pat Guy 09/08/05
Put a smile on MY face! This is so creative! Well done.
J. C. Lamont09/08/05
This was great! Excelelnt Job.
Brandi Roberts09/08/05
ONE OF A KIND! Top-notch work here. This gal gives two hearty thumbs up! Thanks for sharing!
terri tiffany09/09/05
This was too funny!!! I loved it! Sort of a sad reminder too of how complicated our world has become. Definitly going to print this for my husband who deals in those kinds of issues daily!
Kell-Ann Hoyte09/09/05
Brilliantly creative. Loved it!Well done.
Julianne Jones09/09/05
I'd heard rumours that this was worth reading - and they were right! Incredible, creative, well-crafted, the list goes on. Hope to see this place. God Bless.
Linda Watson Owen09/19/05
Hahaha! Oh, what a treat! Love it!