The Official Writing Challenge
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Wow a very powerful entry about the dangers of becoming a parent way too soon. Of course I would have preferred a happy ending, but you gave a possibly quite real one. I hope it makes many people think before getting involved in a relationship before they are ready. Excellent job.
Oh, WOW! What a powerful story about something so tragic. Great writing. The reader can feel the teenage mother's frustration mounting. Sad story - but a great job in writing.
03/02/10
You did a wonderful job of showing your MC's gradually descent from a caring mother to a frustrated immature teenager. Your MC needed a caring mother herself to stand by her side as she walked through the stages of raising little Josiah.
~Cathy~
03/02/10
Sad, but unfortunately true in a lot of cases. Overall writing job was good.
A sad story, well portrayed. You asked for red ink. My suggestion would be to dump the last sentence. "She had shaken the crying, and the life out of Josiah." I think the ending would be more powerful with "Never again smile." as the last comment. By the time we've gotten there, we know the baby's dead, and why.
03/02/10
Superb writing all the way through, but such a crushing ending---I wanted things to turn out for the better for both the mother and baby.