Grabbing my journal, pen, car keys and wallet, I headed out the door that bright January day and headed to a favorite spot just fifteen minutes from home, hoping that today was a day I could see the ocean.
I was glad to be rewarded with my wish even though inside, my heart was as bleak as the rainy days we had just a few days previously. I was hoping going up there would calm my heart, pulling me away from the distractions of home so I could write my thoughts out…
OK, Lord, I don’t get it, why are my thoughts chasing each other around like a dog chasing it’s tail?
“Be still and know that I am God…”
I don’t like this one bit God! The stitches of the relationship I so carefully sewed together over the years are quickly coming unraveled. I can’t even gather the loose threads fast enough to keep some semblance of what we once shared!
It’s not fair!
Didn’t you give this child to me to love, to raise, to nurture? And now it’s come to this?
“Yes, I gave her to you on loan.”
God I can’t relate to her any more.
You know all the plans I had for her and how I wanted her to turn out. And this is the thanks I get?
A daughter who has resorted to this kind of behavior? She knows better!
“What’s in your hand?”
Lord I just… wait, did you just say something?
“Yes, I have been – you even wrote down what I said…”
Oh. Yeah. I guess I did.
What’s in my hand? Nothing.
“Yes, child, there is. You’re holding tight to your daughter in one hand and in the other you’re holding loose the gifts I have given you, about to slip right out of your hand.”
But God if I don’t hold on tight I will have nothing left of what I so carefully…
“What you so carefully stitched together? The plans you laid out for her? Don’t you think my plans are better than any you have made? Remember I gave her to you on loan. Yes, I gave her to you as your daughter, but first and foremost she is my daughter. I have plans for her from the beginning of time, plans I don’t want to see thwarted.”
But God, this is so hard. Letting go… how can I do this… over and over and over?
Grrr – it hurts!
Remember Abraham? I asked him to lay his son on the altar and slay him. Do you think it was easy for him to do as I asked? Yet, he obeyed me. He trusted me and was willing, because he knew I always had his best in mind.”
God, do I have to?
“Child, I never make you do anything, but the joy you will have when you let go are worth all the pain of letting go.
With one hand you must let go. The other you must open, using the gifts I have given you to my honor and glory.”
I looked out over the ocean. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I slowly resumed writing, my body shaking with sobs.
God I don’t know if I can do this.
“You can do all things through me who gives you strength.”
What gifts are you talking about?
“Keeping house for your husband, making your home a place of rest and comfort for him… encouraging others in their walk with me… writing…”
I don’t want to let go and I don’t want to open – there’s too much risk involved. And I thought you said I was holding that hand too loose – if I open it up won’t the gifts slip right out?
“Not if you open your hand to give them to me and let me use these gifts through you.”
I’m still scared…
“Be still and know that I am God…”
I stayed up there for a long time that day… letting God’s words wash over me… asking Him to change me, to give me the strength to have a new mindset. One willing to let go, so that it would eventually make it’s way to my heart and I would yield without complaint and that my Grrr would turn to Go… Go God!
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