How Not to Get a Job and Scare Some People in the Process
Scene: an office
Characters: Manager – a hiring manager for a company; Butch – Job applicant
Manager: So... Butch. Your resume says your name is "undisclosed" but your alias is "Butch." Does your alias have a last name?
Butch: That is undisclosed information also, Mr. Manager, Sir. (whispering) I'm part of the witness protection program.
Manager: I see. Now, I'll admit, I've not read up on the proper protocol, but if you're in the witness protection program, wouldn't you want to keep that a secret? I mean, even if it wasn't an official rule, it would seem to be common sense. And you gave me your contact information. Isn't that worse than giving me your name?
Butch: Well... yes. I suppose that's true. I never thought of that before. Oops.
Manager: Butch, I'll be quite honest with you. The only reason I called you in for an interview is that your resume... intrigued me. I almost dismissed it at once, but my curiosity got the better of me. So here we are. Now for your last job, you say you cannot disclose the company name, your title, the location, or your supervisor's name. Is there anything about this job you can tell me?
Butch: That is classified information and the reason I'm in the witness protection program in the first place so no. I really can't tell you much.
Manager: Interesting. What about the job prior to that? You don't list any other jobs here.
Butch: Well, my last job I had for many, many, years. I really don't want to go back any further than that. Besides, it's...
Manager: Let me guess. Classified information?
Manager: Is there anything you can tell me about any job you've ever had? Anything?
Butch: Let's see... Information I can actually share... I've had jobs. At one of those jobs, I had a blue office chair, the carpet was grey, and the walls were white.
Manager: So tell me. Why are you applying for jobs in the first place? And if you've had an office job in the past, why are you applying for a job here?
Butch: How'd you know I had an office job??
Manager: You told me the color of your chair, the carpet, and the walls.
Butch: I did? Oh dear.
Manager: Okay, now you're making me nervous. But let's move on. What do you have to offer this company?
Butch: Well, I'll get to work on time, if I don't have to take the long way here to avoid being seen. I'll be at work every day, as long as no one came within 300 feet of my house the night before. And I'll stay at work all day, if my cell phone doesn't ring. And I do know how to do this job. That much I can tell you.
Manager: You're a nervous little fellow, aren't you?
Butch: You know, people keep telling me that. But I don't know what they're talking about.
Someone knocks on the door
Oh my goodness! What was that noise?
Manager: That was someone knocking on my door.
Butch: Who is it?
Manager: Just someone telling me the next person is here for his interview. So let's wrap this thing up, okay? Why do you want to work for McTaco?
Butch: Because I used to live right next to one, and it was my favorite restaurant. (whispering) Besides, no one will look for me here. Especially if I don't tell anyone my last name is... Smith! Oh dear. I fear I've said too much already. I need to go into hiding, and I suggest you do the same. Goodbye.
Butch sneaks out, sliding against the wall as he walks sideways.
Manager (to someone off stage): Mike, would you tell the next job applicant that he'll need to re-schedule? I've got a headache.
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