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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Ow! (01/07/10)

TITLE: OH! Heaven Leigh Day!!
By Mona Purvis
01/13/10


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“Put your money where your mouth is.”

Marsha Mellow stood before us and uttered those seven powerful words while blinking wildly as is her custom and twisting her hands without pause.

“Like we don't already do that. Ha! Do you know how much a caramel macchiato at Starbucks costs these days?” Sue Flay responded.

“Sue, dear...please, don't interrupt. Marsha is right. We could all use some... tightening up.” I was sure Marsha had found just the right solution to an age-old problem: mature women having any chance of changing their figures for the better.

“Thank you, Liz. And let me thank you for opening up your home for this meeting to address the needs of our senior women. Let's all give Liz Onnia a hand!”

The small group balanced cheesecake and coffee as they managed to applaud.

We had been issued the ultimate challenge at Wednesday night's meeting of Salt Shakers, our women's group at Calvary Baptist Church. Our leader, Heaven Leigh Day, on whose svelte form a size four hung, decided it was past time for the women to lead by example.

“Ladies, we must work hard to be the healthy, vital, self-controlled women God expects of us.” The meeting was concluded by the reading of Romans 12:1, present your bodies a living sacrifice...

My senior friends had agreed to meet at my home to discuss a plan of action to match the results of younger Salt Shaker members whose gym memberships and liposuction was commonplace.

Marsha continued by holding up the undergarment for all to see. Looking like a wet suit for whales, The Amazonator, guaranteed to reduce all figures at least two sizes with its powerful latex.

“My sister swears by hers.” Chris Koe had brought the secret weapon to the meeting. “Only $79.95 with her discount.”

“Swears, indeed.” Kandi Appel whispered to Cherrie Crisp. “I hear she wears a shaper thong.”

“Please, sign the sheet and include your size. I'll be ordering today and they should arrive on Friday. Personal checks are fine.” Marsha was the first to put her name on the list.

Seven orders followed; each buyer visualizing a smaller waistline, a lifted bust, a slimmer silhouette and corrected posture, all without so much as cutting out chocolate or cheesecake.

The order arrived on schedule and we eagerly looked to Sunday morning to reveal our slimmer shapes.

I pushed back my fat clothes and reached deep into my closet for the little black number I had secreted away. Today is your debut.

The extra thirty minutes it took dressing was totally worth it. I was in my little black dress! My breathing was just deep enough to keep me conscious and my stride was more shuffle and less saunter, but, I was upright. My husband's admiring glance made all the pain worthwhile.

Arriving at church, I was met with several approving looks as I slowly lowered my new body onto the pew. Seated to my right was another of our group, May O'Nays, in a most fetching yellow dress. Reaching over, she grasped my hand a little harder than usual and I noticed the smile on her face and the tears in her eyes.

Directly in front of me sat Sue Flay and Chris Koe wearing new outfits. Sue could only offer me a moan of hello; but, Chris was able to turn toward me by rotating her entire upper body slowly.

“Have you lost weight?” I overheard Ophelia Payne ask Patty Meldt who sat across the aisle. Patty was wearing a spandex skirt in vivid blue.

All went well for the announcements and prayer. Greeting time was made more manageable by comments of, you're looking so well... that's such a lovely dress... you're looking trim...

Basking in all the compliments, we smiled at each other and silently thanked our secret weapon.

Pastor I.D.Clair, chose this Sunday for one of his long sermons causing much squirming and groaning among those of us with controlled waistlines, corrected postures and lifted busts.

The closing hymn had never been more welcomed. I could hear our group sing out louder than usual creating more than a few stares.

OH!! OW!! I Love Jesus!
OH!! OW!! I Love Jesus!
OH!! OW!! I Love Jesus!...



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This article has been read 2688 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jackie Wilson01/14/10
I laughed all the way through this!! What a hoot! Loved it!
Noel Mitaxa 01/14/10
Well-timed for post-Christmas recovery from all the food we have enjoyed. (I've personally gone on two diets simultaneously - because a single diet didn't include enough food!) Thanks for the fun in your story and the puns in your characters' names.
Robyn Burke01/15/10
LOLROTF!! Loved it!! Your closing line was priceless!
Rachel Phelps01/16/10
Awesome! Loved the humor in this piece!
Carole Robishaw 01/16/10
loved this, I have a feeling I know who came up with this but won't reveal it! But I think I recognize the humor. :0 LOL
c clemons01/18/10
This was especially funny to me, I just recently purchased one of those garments. Hey, I'm trying to keep hope alive! Good job, very much on topic and VERY revelant.
Verna Cole Mitchell 01/18/10
You have a gift for humor. Don't you have a Baptist magazine to send this to? I love it.
Karlene Jacobsen 01/18/10
I could see this so vividly! A hilarious fun read.
Colin Swann01/18/10
At the close I was hoping for more than a chorus burst; what a hoot if it had all hung out. Ow! Enjoyed this, as much as a man can, reading about women's fat. Colin
Yvonne Blake 01/18/10
Ha Ha Ha!!! I've got to get me one of those!
Dee Yoder 01/18/10
Oh, my goodness! Can I ever relate--this made my breathing tighten just reading it. Having poured myself into something similar, I can rightly attest that this story is absolutely true-to-life. Love it!
Ruth Brown 01/20/10
Chuckle,chuckle, I remember when those garments were called girdles plain and simple. Every name and description was well -a gut buster! worthy of a humor contest!
Carol Slider 01/20/10
So creative and fun to read. I loved the names of the characters! Well done.
Lisa Johnson 01/21/10
This is the cutest story... so clever and imaginative... very deserving of first place in both the level and in Editor's Choice. congratulations!!!
Dolores Stohler01/21/10
Nicely done. Congratulations! I have several of those garments in my drawer that I've worn once, then rejected. I laughed all the way through your story and I loved the word play.
Carol Penhorwood 01/21/10
I couldn't wait to get here and read 1st place. Am I glad I did! It is so well deserved! I loved every laughing minute!!! And the NAMES were HILARIOUS!! Super job!
Ruth Ann Moore01/21/10
Well done Mona. This was so deserving. I absolutely loved it. Congrats on your first place finish and your EC! BRAVO!!
Connie Dixon01/21/10
Congratulations! This was hilarious. I loved the names and especially Ophelia Payne. What a great sense of humor and "style". Good job!
Sharlyn Guthrie01/21/10
Funny stuff! Congratulations on your 1st place win!
Pam Ford Davis 01/21/10
Pure pleasure! Vanity of vanities! We are willing to pay a high price for admiring glances! Great writing!
Verna Cole Mitchell 01/21/10
Congrats on being first in EC! Ain't it grand!
Karlene Jacobsen 01/21/10
Mona, this is awesome! Congrats on EC!
Debra Elliott01/21/10
LOL.... I loved this one!
Debbie Roome 01/21/10
Excellent - I loved the names! Congratulations.
Rachel Rudd01/22/10
Just wanted to add my comment...thanks for the laugh! I didn't get the "names" until I read the comments. Ditzy me. :)
Glynis Becker 01/22/10
Absolutely hilarious! A well-deserved win...congratulations!
Julie Seeto01/24/10
This was so entertaining! You deserve all the kudos. Congratulations.
Rachel Dorsey01/25/10

This was a great one! Loved the ending- gave me a good hearty chuckle!
Celeste Ammirata01/25/10
I thoroughly enjoyed this. Especially the end. Great job. Congratulations on winning first place!
Beth LaBuff 01/27/10
oh wow! Love your humor, Mona! Simply amazing!
Noel Mitaxa 01/28/10
On reading this a second time, I'm wondering if the pastor preached from the Beatitudes; as one very appropriate text comes to mind: "The weak shall inherit the girth..." Congratulations on your win.
Margaret Kearley 07/01/10
So clever and such fun. How I love those names. Many congratulations on your second place BOB win - very well deserved.
Joanne Sher 07/01/10
Oh, Mona - this is absolutely a RIOT - and masterful. So glad you got second place for BOB - if only so I would have a reason to read this super piece. Congrats!
Beth LaBuff 07/01/10
Mona, Super congrats on your 2nd place Best of the Best with this hilarious and creative story!
Benjamin Graber07/01/10
Congratulations on your BOB win with this hilarious story!!!
Seema Bagai 07/01/10
Congrats on your win. Great piece.
Rachel Phelps07/01/10
Congrats on your BOB win! This story is so great!
Charla Diehl 07/02/10
I'm sure you had as much fun writing this as I had reading it. Loved the names of your characters and the ending was so fitting. Applauding you for your BoB placement and for all your entries that have entertained me.
Patsy Hallum07/02/10
So Funny! delightful names. Congratulations on 2nd BoB.
Genia Gilbert07/03/10
How funny and wonderful! You certainly deserve BOB rating. Congratulations.
Sarah Davis08/05/10
This was so hilarious!! Great job!
Ifeoma Dennis10/03/10
Very FUNNY!!!!
I had fun reading this!!!
Rosemarie Thompson01/06/11
I'm a new 500 member, so I'm checking out the winners. Your piece is very clever. I love the character names. And your ending was on-point for the topic...and a little bit of a surprise. Great work!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/26/11
I don't know how I missed this, but I was perusing some of your pieces and came across this one. I have tears running down my face from laughing and I need to hurry off to the bathroom. You are indeed brilliant!
Ethelyn Martin05/28/11
I am new here and just learning my way around. I am so glad I found your article. This is very very funny and cute, and I enjoyed reading it.
Colorful, Imaginative. Realistic. Believable and easy to follow. Kept my interest.
Nicely done and congratulations again. The part about the pastors message being especially long was just great!