The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/04/09
This was very funny. The rhyme scheme added to the humor. I loved your ending. Great job.
12/06/09
I read this a second time because I liked it so much. I noticed stumbling at the same verse. "Swirled now like brown silk" might flow better if you said, "Now swirled like brown silk." Ask others their opinion.

Loved it again.
12/07/09
Ryhme was good but needs a little work. Keep writing.