The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
11/23/09
The end, although it felt rushed, made me smile. Loved those closings sentences.
11/24/09
On topic. A lot going on in this piece. I wonder if some dialogue might have opened up a window for the reader to "get to know Corrie better". For some reason, it felt a little matter-of-fact.
But, I found it interesting which is always a good foundation. keep writing.
Mona
I am glad this story had a happy ending!
I agree with the above analysis,I would like to see more of what Carrie was feeling, and when did the color yellow start taking on a negative connatation.

I liked the imagery and I could picture all the colors as you so vividly described them. Keep writing!
11/24/09
Very interesting! My granddaughter had jaundice, but not so badly, and they really do turn quite yellow, don't they?

I agree with your previous commenters--this has quite a bit of "tell" and not as much "show".

The storyline really drew me in, though. Good job with the mood and atmosphere of this story.
I agree that dialogue would help and would add interest to this otherwise nicely written piece.
I love happy and good endings of what started out so wrong and saddening. Thank God that Corey is on her way to complete recovery.
Thanks for your entry.
Cheers and kind regards.