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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Purple (11/05/09)

TITLE: Life Among the Non-Purples
By Jan Ackerson


The scene is a television studio, set up for a panel discussion. The host, Drew Gunderson, is seated at right. His three panelists sit at an angle, facing him. They are a purple cow, a man with purplish skin, and Count von Count, from Sesame Street.

Gunderson: Good afternoon! Today we’re clearing up misconceptions about being purple in a non-purple world. My panel includes a purple cow—I’m sorry, ma’am, but do you have a given name?

Cow: This is the problem in a nutshell. I’m perhaps the most famous cow in the world, and you don’t even know my name! It’s Angelica. Are you surprised?

Gunderson: We’ll get back to that, Angelica. In the meantime, let’s greet our next panelist, the Purple People Eater.

PPE: I object to that. I never ate nobody.

Gunderson: Hold that thought…let me introduce our final purple panelist, Count von Count. How are you, Count?

Count: Five!

Gunderson: Beg pardon?

Count: Five! That’s five ‘purples’! Muahahahaha!

Gunderson: Uh, thanks, Count. Okay, let’s start our discussion with the purple c…I mean, with Angelica.

Count: Six! Six purples! Muahahahaha!

Gunderson: Right, Count. Angelica, a famous poem was written about you. How has that affected you?

Cow: It’s a patently ridiculous poem. I’ve never seen a purple cow, I never hope to see one…Why wouldn’t someone want to see a purple cow? I should think they’d be delighted.

PPE: I sure am. Man, you’re one crazy-lookin’ cow. That’s some kinda purple.

Count: Nine!

Gunderson: Angelica, I understand you object to the last part of the poem.

Cow: Yes, Drew, I do. But I can tell you anyhow, I’d rather see than be one. First of all, I find anyhow to be rather informal vernacular. But even more compelling is the absurdity of the thesis that the poet would rather see a purple cow than be one. That’s demeaning to my very existence.

PPE: I hear ya’, sister. I been demeaned, too. All because of that song.

Gunderson: You’re talking about Sheb Wooley’s song, sir? “Purple People Eater?”

Count: Eleven! Muahahahaha!

PPE: (looking at the Count) Don’t take much to make you happy, does it? Yeah, I’m talkin’ ‘bout that song. First of all, I’ve got two eyes, always did. And the one horn business is just bunk.

Gunderson: Let me just stop you for a moment. What exactly are you?

PPE: Well, let’s just say I’m (lowering his voice) not from around here.

Cow: Indubitably not!

PPE: Look who’s talkin’, a purple cow.

Count: Twelve!

PPE: Like I was sayin’—that horn was just like…a big zit, you might say.

Gunderson: And the flying? Can you fly, sir?

PPE: I’m takin’ the fifth on that. But I never ate no people, that’s what I come to say. Oh, sure, I took a little nibble when I first got here from…well, from where I’m from. But man, that was some kinda funky. Never again.

Gunderson: What about that song, then?

PPE: Well, the guy I nibbled on may or may not have been Sheb Wooley. And he exaggerated. Poetic license, I think they call it.

Cow: Everyone thinks they’re a poet. I submit to you that a true poet would come up with a poem that rhymes purple. That would be a real accomplishment, worthy of the word ‘poet’. I tell you, it’s a much maligned color.

Gunderson: Count von Count—You live on Sesame Street, where people and…ummmm, others come in all sorts of colors, but there aren’t many there who are purple. What’s it like, being purple in a largely unpurple world?

Count: Sixteen! Sixteen perfect purples! Muahahahaha!

Gunderson: Kind of a Johnny one-note, aren’t you? Anything else to add to our discussion?

Count: When you pat baby’s back, she will burple
And a soda might cause you to slurple
But there’s nothing so nice
(And no hue will suffice)
As a Count in a pale shade of purple!

Seventeen purples! Muahahahaha!

Gunderson: Wait…was that a poem rhyming (stopping himself) that word?

PPE: Sounded like it to me.

Cow: I think not! It was a cheap trick, with vulgar coined words that don’t actually exist.

PPE: Chill, ya’ big bovine. I don’t eat no people, but a nice juicy hamburger sounds good about now. I’m just sayin’.

Gunderson: (hastily) And our time is up. Stay tuned next week, when we talk to some Oompa-Loompas about being orange. Count, I’m going to let you have the last word on being purple.

Count: Eighteen! Muahahahaha…

Fade to black.

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This article has been read 930 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Anita van der Elst11/12/09
ROFLO!!! I needed a good giggle today. Thanks for that. Very clever, funny, entertaining, picturesque and well-crafted too.
Lynda Schultz 11/12/09
Kudos—truly creative and well-done.
bill johnson11/13/09
Great job; very funny!
Kimberly Russell11/15/09
Wow- this had some real imagination going on...too funny. Good job.
Betty Castleberry11/15/09
I am proud that someone else besides me thought of the Purple People Eater, and that the someone was you.

This was very cute and fun to read. I especially loved the count and how he shouted out the number of times purple was mentioned. Well done.
Henry Clemmons11/15/09
Very purpley! I have a deeper appreciation for purple colored people/characters now. I will think differently of them now; There is something deeper than purple:)
Extremely cute, witty, creative with outstanding dialogue. And a nice subtle message. Enjoyed it.
Virgil Youngblood 11/15/09
A fun read.
Barbara Lynn Culler11/15/09
I laughted all the way through this story! I especially like the Count and his evil laugh!
Patricia Turner11/15/09
Too cute and full of imagination.
Chely Roach11/15/09
This was so creative and lighthearted; loaded with witty, one-line zingers. I snickered all the way to the eighteenth perfect purple...loved it. :)
larry troxell 11/16/09
The Purple People Eater. Love that character. Great laugh. Obviously, great writing.
Loren T. Lowery11/16/09
This brought some great memories back. So, so funny and it reminded me a bit of a new TV commercial where some of the characters such as Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc are in a support group entitled something like: "We Do Exist".
Jim McWhinnie 11/16/09
What a gifted imagination followed by spot on writing... such a pro and also such a playful wit ... loved it! Loved it!
Shellie Goff11/16/09
LOVE IT!! You have an exceptional imagination and a wonderful sense of humor.
Nicely done!!
Rita Garcia11/16/09
Creative, humorous and I enjoyed it, a lot!
Sarah Elisabeth 11/16/09
Ah, very well done! Loved it!
Marita Thelander 11/16/09
Okay, I have to admit it didn't grab my attention at the beginning but my grin in the end proves a win. Some kind of funk...lol.
Bryan Coomes11/18/09
Loved it!

The voices were great, the comedic dialogue had me laughing, and the concept was hilarious. If only Grimace was there...

Ruth Ann Moore11/18/09
I loved the way your brought together your three purple guests. Great forum for them and very cute discussion. A very fun purple read. :D
Aaron Morrow11/18/09
Hysterical Jan! The characterizations were perfect...I give this a 10...10 perfect purples...muahahaha! Fabulous work as always :)
Rachel Phelps11/18/09
I sit and chuckle in awe of your prowess!
Bryan Ridenour11/18/09
Super fun read. Had me chuckling throughout and I especially loved the "Count". Great writing!
Carol Slider 11/18/09
I'm going to be laughing about this one the rest of the day! Loved how you made the three characters so distinctive. Absolutely hilarious, and so well written (naturally!). Loved every word.
Carole Robishaw 11/18/09
Hmmm, I think I'm in the mood for something wet to slurple. Hope it doesn't make me burple in public.

Very cute!
Verna Cole Mitchell 11/18/09
Glad you cleared up all my misconceptions about purple! Loved the humor!