The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/09/09
Melody sounds like such a character! If you work your sentences so you don't have to use 'had' before the verbs your sentences will be much more active and showing rather than passive and telling. I'd love to meet Melody--better yet, I'd love to like her when I'm 80! =]
11/10/09
What a cool lady!
11/11/09
I agree that this story could be much stronger with just a few tense changes and more space between the paragraphs. As it stands, Melody is a gem of a character, and I'd like to hear more about her. Another thing that might help to consider is thinking of ways to show rather than tell information. You have a great start.