Old Testament History 101
Jake stared at the blinking cursor. What in the world had processed him to take an OT history class? He didn’t even like church—only went because the place was a chick magnet. Which brought him back to why he took this dumb class in the first place…the hot blonde who hadn’t given him the time of day.
This was only week four of the class…Jake still had plenty of time to make an impression on her. But first, the paper. 500-word summary of the Book of Job—use your own words.
Job was a really rich
dude man from the Old Testament who was very lucky blessed. God gave bestowed upon Job seven sons and three daughters who threw lots of parties feasts, thousands of sheep and camels, hundreds of oxen and asses donkeys, and lots of servants.
One day, Satan and God got into an argument in heaven. Satan bet God that if he took everything away from Job, then Job would not be such a
great righteous man. God said, “You’re on.”
Satan first took away all the servants and oxen and
asses donkeys. Next he took the sheep and camels. And then he made a house fall on all the sons and daughters while they were partying feasting. Through all that Job did not get angry at God, and God bragged about Job to Satan. So Satan bet God that if he hurt afflicted Job with gross sores on his body that then Job would cuss out curse God. God said, “You’re on.”
Satan gave Job disgusting sores from head to toe that hurt like
hell heck. Job then sat in a pile of ashes and scraped his sores with broken pottery pieces. Job’s wife told him to curse God and die, so it sounds like Job’s wife was mad at both Job and God for everything she lost.
Three of Job’s friends came over and sat in the ashes with him. Job started
cussing cursing the day he was born and one of his friends said, “ Dude, Friend, what’s with all the woe is me stuff? That black cloud hanging over your head is depressing. Do something to get rid of it, man. You obviously did something to piss tick God off, and now you’re suffering because of it.”
But Job swore that he hadn’t done anything wrong and he says he just wants to die.
Then another one of Job’s friends tells him that he’s going to continue suffering until he owns up to whatever it is he’s done to make God angry. “God doesn’t hurt people for the fun of it. He only
zaps punishes people who are jerks wicked. Quit calling God unfair and just admit where you screwed up.”
Job said he knew everything his friend was saying was true, but he still hadn’t done anything wrong so why was God
hurting punishing him? Then Job started the woe is me some more and it seems like the black cloud over his head grew bigger. Sort of like Eeyore’s cloud when he is feeling sorry for himself.
The third friend calls Job
a liar deceitful and tells him that God can see all his secret sins, and that he can’t hide anything in the dark. This friend thinks God should punish Job even more for being a liar. He tells Job that he deserves to be sitting in the ashes under the black cloud of doom. I wonder why Job was even friends with this guy.
Job tells his friends to
shut up be quiet and then continues with his woe is me. The back and forth fighting argument between Job and his friends takes 28 chapters, which gets a little boring to read.
Then a young
dude man who was standing around watching all of this said that God sometimes uses bad things suffering not to punish people but to correct them and help them stay on the right path. That sounds kind of true to me. More right true than Job’s other three friends.
Next comes the best part. After all this
boloney foolish talk, God comes on the scene and puts everybody in their place. For four chapters God basically says, “’Cause I’m God, and you’re not!” Booya.
God blows away the Eeyore black cloud and makes Job
rich prosperous again with twice as much as he had before. God is so cool.
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