The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/10/09
I think your idea to weave two different stories together is creative. I think Sammy is an interesting character.

Changing points of view and using past and present tense in the same story makes for very confusing reading. For example your opening paragraph has both a third person telling the story and a first person.

Quotation marks are missing in several areas which can add to the confusion.
09/16/09
Nice attempt at parallelism. I especially liked your last paragraph.