The Official Writing Challenge
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The first half of this story spins nicely; you paint a clear picture of Bevy and her desire for something better.
Good writing!

The second half of the story, however falls flat. I think the gap between Bevy setting goals and reaching them is too wide, too much detail missing. It might have been better to just concentrate on Bevy and finish telling us her story rather than introduce us to someone else.
I, too, thought that your focus should have been saved for your MC's experience...that being said, Bill's story is one that could be/should be shared in a longer version.