I stretch, admiring myself in the mirror. I am thirty now. It came so quick. But it
is here. I have feared growing old for much longer than most. Is it
now upon me? Not even close, most would say. But I feel it. I see it just around the corner. It waits for me. And death, so much
more real now, to me. As is life. I feel life like
I never have before. It's the knowledge and understanding of death that makes life alive. But also, it's my children. I look at their young faces and I soak in every moment I have with them so as to remember it, before it's gone. But I don't really get every moment. Though I stop for pause now more than ever before, still the moments that I don't are far greater. But still this living that I'm committed to now, this living for the simple, tiny extravagances are new for me. The
ten years before, I just worked. I just lived without being aware of my living. Without being aware of time slipping past. But now. Now
that I taste it, I can look at my
mother-in-law's nightgown draping on it's hanger and remember it. I can hear my children's laughter though they're
asleep. I can lay still in my husband's arms, feeling his strenghth. The strength he
has for these moments. I can see the baby's smile and know. Know
there will soon be no more baby grins. I am strong now. My body now fights for
me. So I admire. I view myself in my bathroom mirror,
my leaness. My shape. The shape that is mine, that has scars, that has years. It represents me. It has held up. And still my mind has fought harder, silently and loyally. The fickle moods of my youth, graciously replaced with calm. I'm quieter these days. I have less to say and more to hear. I want to hear it all while I can. It was the feelings before that guided me, pushed me, filled in every space. I needed them to
survive. And then when that was outgrown, there was duty, crucial
curbing the emotion, propelling all force, but now. Now
that I am thirty. Now there is reflection. I am
midpoint. But I don't look back. And I can't see too far ahead. So I am here. In the now, alert. I am thirty now.
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