Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Summer (the season) (07/09/09)
TITLE: Hoover Nixon that
By Ed VanDeMark
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“Would you look at that Rita? You can be glad you married an American. You see how that Italian is with his wife? He acts like she’s his slave. Woman do this. Woman do that.”
Walter treated Rita like a queen, but he was always quick to point out the difference between himself and other men.
“The Irish talk too much and say nothing. It’s probably all that beer they drink. That’s why they’re all Catholics you know? Palaver about booze, women, politics and the church, but no substance. You show me an Irishman of substance and I’ll show you a dead Irishman.”
His best friend was Brian O’Toole whose mother’s maiden name was Delgado. They played pinochle together down at the Russian Club. Both ragged on the Communists, and the Muslims, especially when teamed up against Boris and the Hashem. As for church Walter went faithfully, twice a year.
“Why can’t they learn to speak English?” He wasn’t talking about a Chinese immigrant. This reference concerned Prince Charles, but he may have just as easily been referring to someone from Australia, or Canada.
While Walter rarely swore, he never made mention of the New York Yankees without offering a reference to the Hoover Dam in the same breath. If fact “Hoover” was his way of cussing without truly cussing. He Hoovered the liberal Democrats, computers, public education, Rap music and the younger generation. Once when he got up in the middle of the night he broke his big toe on the bathroom door casing. He Hoovered so long and loud his neighbor called the police. When they arrived he Hoovered them for invading his privacy.
He used the President’s names as substitutes for all sorts of things, a “Johnson” referred to any noun that failed to come to mind at the moment. The telephone bill and the electric bill, in fact all bills were “Clintons.” More often than not they were “Hoover Clintons.” A “Carter” was an act of kindness. If he was displeased with someone or something he sent them to “Nixon.” If he gave out one of his rare “Ike’s” it was Walter’s version of the Medal of Honor.
Yes Walter had something to say about almost everyone and everything and almost all of it was negative. Yet people generally liked him once they discovered he wanted them to ignore his constant grumbling and see his kind and gentle heart.
The thing Walter grumbled about most was the weather. “The only thing we ever get from Canada is bad weather.” Walter was born cold and hadn’t warmed up in his 75 years of living. “It’s far better to spring into a season than to fall into one.” “My favorite season is two days in the middle of July.” Doctor Lewis called it SAD, and suggested Walter sell the farm and move to Arizona. Walter Hoovered that idea and suggested the doctor take up residence in Nixon. Doc Lewis slapped him on the back and said “That sounds like a good alternative for you my friend.”
So when Rita wiped the sweat from her face and commented that the 95 degree temperature was a wee bit excessive, Walter went off the deep end Hoovering God for only sending us two good days a year, but he gave God an Ike for the day. He went on to suggest God send all the people who complained about this glorious day to Nixon, with a life time supply of Clinton’s.
Rita smiled and said “I love you Walter Freeland but I think your Johnson needs a little Carter adjustment.”
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