Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Bitter and Sweet (05/28/09)
By Laury Hubrich
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I know the longer I lay the more depressed I get yet there are days I canít make myself get up. Life is hard yet everyone has hard lives, sometimes harder. When taking our very first breath as each of us were born, our parents had no idea what was in store for us. They were young and full of hope that maybe, just maybe, their little girl or boy would be the next president or maybe discover the cure for cancer. Never once do they think, ďMy little girl, when sheís older, will go through great health struggles that will help point others to Jesus.Ē
Now Iím thinking Ė what about my life? What have I done? Itís a bitter pill to swallow. I get consumed in what Iím going through. I get overwhelmed with pain and then I get overwhelmed with guilt because of what my family has gone through because of me.
I swallow the bitter pill but I try not to become bitter. Oh, I do have my moments but they donít last. I am very grateful that if someone has to suffer that itís me, not my children, not my family, and not my friends.
Because of my sickness Iíve discovered myself. Iíve seen who I can be and how I can be. Iíve gone through surgery after surgery yet I keep going. I donít give up, well, right now I can say, just maybe Iíve given up but I know it wonít be for long. My God is pushes me along and then carries me when I need that extra boost.
Heís also sent me incredible friends that I wouldnít have met otherwise. If I was able to change the past Ė just if Ė would I change my sickness? Itís molded me into who I am. Itís made me compassionate for others. Itís made me love big and love big I do. If that makes some uncomfortable then Iím sorry but Iíve decided weíve only got so many days on earth. Sometimes I truly wish my days were fewer but that isnít for me to decide. Wow Ė I canít even say I make the most of every day because I donít. Some days I lie in bed, sometimes all day, and cry.
It makes my best friend upset when I tell her Iím all alone but when all is said and done Ė I am. Itís just God and I Ė Heís holding me, cradling me in His arms. I donít always feel that gentle rocking, though. I want to feel it. I know Heís always with me but my feelings get in the way. I feel Heís not there but feelings are not faith. I want to feel His breath on my cheek as He leans down to kiss me on my forehead but I know that warm breath is there. I know in my knower that I know and thatís called faith. Faith is being certain of what I donít see.
Some days I donít see anything but my pain, misery, and depression. Other days I wake up ready to tackle the day. God-strong, a friend told me I am. Again, I donít feel God- strong. I feel wimpy like a wet noodle yet God lifts me up and I do what has to be done.
And you know what? All is well with my soul. I have a place waiting for me in Heaven and when I finally get there Ė there will certainly be great rejoicing, but for now I live. I want to live no matter what pain I have to endure. I want to live. I will live. And I hope others see Jesus through my struggles. That is my ministry some days Ė just to live and live with hope so others can see and finally understand that when we are weak, thatís when God is strong in our loves. I want to be God-strong. I am God-strong. I will, until my dying days, be God-strong.
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