The Official Writing Challenge
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05/16/09
'Evening walks with Holy God'
So, perfect.
Very well-written and tells the story without a wasted syllable.
Mona
05/16/09
Very well done!
05/18/09
Bryan, I'd already commented, but I wanted to say that this is so different from "your style of writing" that I have come to enjoy so much. But, you've done such a wonderful job with this piece!

Mona
05/18/09
This is good. I wasn't too sure about the very last verse as you moved away from what was immediate and visible. Also I suspect you were trying to weave in an allusion to Milton, again something that the mind has to jump to rather than simply reading as seen. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. Personally I'm absolutely awful when it comes to writing poetry. I can manage the creative language but the rhythm trips me up after the first line. I think I'll stick to leprechauns in future...
05/18/09
The understatements of the poem bring out the contrast of perfection and disaster very movingly
05/20/09
Well done! I especially like this line:
"Pathways where the angels trod."
Beautiful thoughts!
You definitely have the heart of a poet. The words are lovely, and lilting. What a creative way to portray the downfall of man. Two thumbs up.
05/20/09
Excellent--I really like your poetic syntax.

My only suggestion would be to change "appeared" to "appears" in the first line, as more consistent with the tense in the rest of the poem.

This is a grown-up, sophisticated poem, which I REALLY appreciate.
05/20/09
I thought your imagery was superb. The poem had grersat flow.

Taste forbidden, truth forgotten,
Paradise lost, a swallowed lie.

My favourite lines!
05/20/09
Thank you for sharing your wonderful gift.

Colin
05/20/09
I like the "feel" of this - calm, and a bit sad. The meter isn't perfect, but your poem still reads smoothly, and the tale it tells is undeniably awesome and spot-on topic.
Ooh, so good. My favorite part,
The serpent's guile, man's tempting snare,
The fruit enticing wanton eyes.
Taste forbidden, truth forgotten,
Paradise lost, a swallowed lie.
Just great-Bryan, you should write more poetry!
05/21/09
Congrats on your HC! Very deserving. I really like the style, the message, and excellent writing!
Nice work! Congrats!