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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: In and Out (04/30/09)

TITLE: Will You Pay the Price?
By Eliza Evans
05/07/09


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Jeremy Park unloaded his camera equipment from the KYDD radio station van and lumbered toward the security checkpoint: STOLLOCK PENITENTIARY

Of all the lousy assignments…the scum of the earth!

Jeremy was led to a small room to set up his makeshift filming studio. Two hefty guards walked in—a small shriveled looking man in prison garb shuffled between them—hands and feet shackled.

Jeremy studied the man. Whoa. He's an old-timer.

The skin was stretched tight over his bald head clearly outlining the shape of his skull. His face was pockmarked, gaunt and gray—the lips stained a nicotine orange.

Crud!

“Get your eyes back in your head, comrade!” barked one of the guards.

Jeremy turned abruptly and pretended to adjust his camera.

“I've got orders to be in and out.” The guard looked at his watch. “So hustle it up, soldier. Roll the tape.”

Jeremy handed him the microphone.

“Prisoner #09936-063 for the Documentary:
'The IN crowd. What Price Will You Pay?'—for USA nationwide school distribution.”

Holding the mic for the prisoner...“Let 'er rip, Lenny, m' man. And remember—no cussing.”

Very softly the man spoke...“I loved her, ya know.”

Love? Jeremy wanted to laugh.

“Missy Taylor—my neighbor. We were in our first year of college together. She coulda been a model or somethin', ya know? Every guy wanted her. She filled my dreams and daydreams.

“But Missy hung out with a rough crowd. Her brother, nicknamed Bishop, had a gang of about six others and they made themselves known around campus. They were the IN crowd. Ya know what I’m sayin'? Real cool.”

Lenny twisted his hand awkwardly to take a few long drags on his cigarette.

“One day when we was walkin' to class, Missy put her hand in my jacket pocket, leaned on me and said, “Lenny, I don't have to be anyone but myself with you.” I knew from then on she was my girl."

Wow. I think he really did love her.

"She drank too much. I ignored it. She was caught shopliftin'. I looked the other way. I wanted to be with her, ya know?

"She called me up one night and asked if I would drive her and Bishop across town to the Kingsland Grocery. I didn't even ask why. I just did it because...it was Missy. Ya know?

"We pulled into the parkin' lot. Bishop and Missy hopped out and told me to keep the motor runnin'. I watched them walk into the store and I knew. God help me, I knew, and still I stayed."

There was a long pause.

Gees. Does he even know that he's crying right now?

The guard wiped Lenny's face with a handkerchief and said, "Wrap it up now, m' man."

“I kept my eye on the store's exit sign. I remember the sweat drippin' off my hands onto the steerin' wheel. Bish came flyin' out of the store. I could hear the alarms blarin'.
“Missy's been shot!” he screamed. “The clerk killed Missy!” He jumped into the car. "Go! Drive!"

Lenny was leaning forward, yelling into the camera—his chains rattling—eyes wild.

He's reliving it! Jeremy darted a glance toward the guard but Lenny continued.

“I couldn't move. Nothin' was registerin'. Red lights were pulsin' all around us. And...and then Bishop tossed his gun into my lap. I'd never even seen a gun before. I grabbed it to throw it out the window or somethin' when it fired. It just exploded in my hand and...and then I heard yellin'..."Officer down! Officer down!”

Lenny leaned back hard, the breath gone out of him.

He looks even smaller than when he came in!

“Kids.”

Look—He's crying again!

"All my dreams were thrown in the trash that night. My future wiped out. You understand me? I'm a marked man. I'm a number. I'm a nothin'."

Watching Lenny, Jeremy had a flash of a memory from his own college days...just a few years back. A realization overtook him. But for the grace of God, that could be me!

Lenny's voice was thin. "I killed a cop, ya know? Bishop testified against me and I was given two life sentences. I've been in this hell-hole for thirty-seven years, and I ain't never, ever, ever gettin' out." He pointed his finger at the camera. "Think about it.”

The deflated, old man turned and nodded to the guards.

On their way out, a crumpled handkerchief was pressed into Jeremy's hand. “Wipe your nose, soldier!”


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This article has been read 765 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Carol Slider 05/07/09
This is a powerful and moving story. You did a splendid job humanizing Lenny and building up to Jeremy's "moment of truth." Well done!
Ruth Ann Moore05/07/09
Very well done, with a powerful message. It's amazing how just one wrong choice can have such huge consequences.
Sonya Leigh05/08/09
This is a gripping tale, so well written. You crafted the characters amazingly, especially considering the word count limit--you drew the reader in to identify with both characters. Very well done.
Shelley Ledfors 05/11/09
Wow. A powerful entry with a great message. I love your character development. One *tiny* thing... In view of his filming the documentary, I kind of wondered why you had Jeremy in the KYDD radio station van instead of a television station vehicle. But that's a very minor point in a great story! Thanks for sharing this!
Mona Purvis05/11/09
Strong story-telling. Believable. Prison is full of people with regrets, many who have turned to Christ. Good entry.
Mona
Loren T. Lowery 05/12/09
Well told, well paced and powerful in its delivery. Also a very creative way to tell this story and have it stick in one's mind. I could visualize everything that was happening.
Well done!
Bryan Ridenour05/12/09
Very well written. I could see the painful regret of Lenny and the heart change of Jeremy. Well done.
Sharon Kane05/12/09
Extremely powerful characterisation. The confession of the prisoner was very believable, not at all forced and had me gripped along with Jeremy.
I'd have left out the line about being under orders to be 'in and out'. It was a distraction, and may cause casual readers (if you can read this casually?) to think that was all the story had to do with the topic. For the same reason I'd not have used bold on the IN crowd. Let the reader look for the connections; in crowd, in prison, never getting out...
The last line was very poignant and a great way to finish.
Connie Dixon05/12/09
Very emotional. I've thought about this very thing many times and wondered about how circumstances could be different based on stupid, bad choices. You really sparked my interest with your writing. Good job!
Verna Cole Mitchell 05/12/09
You have a great story here--Atmosphere, suspense, strong characters, emotion, good description--all well done.
Karlene Jacobsen 05/12/09
Ok, I'm not seeing anything. I liked this. Would love to see/read more;maybe a twist (it turns out the cop was shot by another and this guy was the fall-guy.)

Sorry, my brain is getting away from me...
Chely Roach05/12/09
This was incredibly powerful...gripping and intense. Wow. Well done!
Betty Castleberry05/13/09
Oh, my. What a bold piece to get me thinking this morning. This is well done.
Janice Fitzpatrick05/13/09
WOW! WELL DONE!
Diana Dart 05/13/09
Gripping. The crispness/language of the confession was perfect. I was a little confused as to why Jeremy was called soldier (or was that someone else???) Very well written and creative (with an important, real life lesson).
Dee Yoder 05/13/09
Gripping story that had me interested from beginning to end.
Kimberly Russell 05/13/09
As a prison employee, it's hard to set aside my "work-mode" but I thought the story was well written. You'd be surprised how often this scenario happens for real. Nice job.
Lollie Hofer05/13/09
I'm with everyone else, this was a well-written story with a strong plot and characterization. Well done!
Carol Slider 05/14/09
Wow... I get to be the first to say CONGRATULATIONS, my friend!!! Very well done!!
Verna Cole Mitchell 05/14/09
Proud of you and happy dancin' with you! Congratulations.
Karlene Jacobsen 05/14/09
This was a well-deserved win, my friend! Congratulations! How many EC's does this make? YOur writing is masterful to me, so...
Sonya Leigh05/14/09
Congratulations on your placement, and on your EC! Well done.
Patricia Turner05/14/09
Wow! Outstanding in every way! Congratulations on a very well deserved EC placement!!
Rhonda Schrock05/19/09
My heart went out to the prisoner in this story, which means you did your job well. Congratulations!


   
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