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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Hard and Soft (04/23/09)

TITLE: Bear With Me
By Donna Emery
04/29/09


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“Good evening, and welcome to Forest Philosophy with Dr. Fox. Let’s bring out tonight’s guests: Mr. and Mrs. Bear!”

“Oh, I can hardly believe it, Papa. We’re on Dr. Fox!”

“Simmer down, Mama.”

“Welcome to our show, Mr. and Mrs. Bear. Well, I know it will soon be hibernation season, so let’s get down to the reason you’re here.”

“I know why we’re here. We’re The Bears of the Year, right?”

“Well, no, sir.”

“Whaddya mean we’re not Bears of the Year? Why, I’ll…”

“Papa, please.”

“Really, Mr. Bear: let’s not get violent. You’re here for our “Problem Furniture” episode.”

“Oh, dear, we have problem furniture? I’m so ashamed!”

“Now, Mama, honestly. Our furniture’s just fine, buddy.”

“You say your furniture is fine?”

“You’d better believe it!”

“Well, that’s not what our next guest says. Please welcome… Goldilocks!”

“Hey, Papa Bear, what’s shakin’?”

“Oh, it’s that sweet girl who visited last month. How are you, dear?”

“Whaddya mean how is she? She broke into our house!” What’s she doing here?”

“Goldie, please share why you’re here.”

“Well, listen, Daddy-O..”

“That’s Papa!”

“Daddy…Papa… whatever. Chill out. So, I was walking and got pretty tired, so I went into their place and sank down into a chair. It felt like sitting on cement, and that made me feel rejected.”

“Rejected? Of course you were rejected! You were breaking in!”

“Details, details. But the second chair just as bad. It was so soft I sank right through.”

“Goodness, Goldie, that’s just awful.”

“I’ll say, Dr. Fox. Their son’s chair was OK but too small. And the chairs weren’t the worst of it. I was bummed me out, and I needed to lie down. So, I went upstairs.”

“So, you admit it! A multilevel break-in!”

“Chill, Pops; you’re gonna blow your blood pressure sky high. I went to the bedrooms. And those beds…”

“Oh, dear, I knew I shouldn’t have chosen those teal bedspreads.”

“No, Mama, it wasn’t that. The first bed I tried was like lying on a slab.”

“I’ll put YOU on a slab…”

“What was that, Mr. Bear?”

“Nothing.”

“It was just awful – so I went the next bed. I thought I was sinking. It was just too soft. The kid’s bed felt pretty good, but it wasn’t my size.”

“Look, I’m not going to sit here while she criticizes our furniture. I happen to LIKE hard furniture. And the missus likes that pillowy stuff. Why is that anyone else’s business?”

“Good question, Mr. Bear. Shall we see whose business it might be? Please give it up for Baby Bear!”

“Hey, folks.”

“Oh, son, it’s so nice to see you. How is college?”

“Bearable.”

“Well, Baby, tell them why you’re here. It’s not just about furniture, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Look, Baby, just what do you think you’re doing? You’d better start explaining quick.”

“Well, for one thing, I don’t want to be called ‘Baby’ anymore.”

“I can think of a few things I’d like to call him…”

“Papa…”

“So what do you WANT to be called, Your Highness?”

“Well, we’re Kodiak bears, so I want to be called K-bear.”

“I’ll ‘K-bear’ you! I’d like to know what the heck does this have to do with our furniture?”

“I’m glad you asked. You see, university studies have shown furniture choice has a lot to do with personality.”

“Oh, dear, Papa, what will we do?”

“Oh, for crying out loud!”

“Mr. Bear, these studies speak for themselves. Your chair and bed are hard; you’re a hardheaded guy. Mama’s chair and bed are soft, and her personality is as soft as a pillow.”

“Now, listen you lousy quack…”

“Dad, this is what he’s talking about. I mean, how do you think I felt, growing up with you two? ”

“Look, Baby...”

“K-bear.”

“All right, KAY-bear. Whaddya want me to do about it?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Bear, here’s what we’re saying: just as your furniture isn’t comfortable for anyone else, neither are your personalities. I’d like you both to begin counseling with our foremost expert on extreme personalities: Mother Nature.”

“You want me to talk to something with WINGS? Fat chance! Let’s go, Mama!”

“Oh, Papa!”

“Well, what a shame. Folks, it’s clear they just weren’t ready for a change. But, I suppose that’s just as well, since we’ve run out of time. The Puritan Porridge representative will have to come back another day. Good night, from Forest Philosophy with Dr. Fox.”


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Member Comments
Member Date
Seema Bagai 04/30/09
Loved this piece. Still laughing out loud. When I saw the topic, I thought of Goldilocks, too. You pulled this off perfectly.
LauraLee Shaw05/05/09
This is hilarious! Loved it!