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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Beginning and End (04/16/09)

TITLE: I Am Chicken, Hear Me Roar
By Chely Roach


One more. That’s what I said, “Just one more.” The good Lord had a healthy chuckle at those plans, I am positive. And thus it began.

Let me tell you about a little term that the average thirty-something-year-old man cannot wrap his brain around: hyperovulation. Basically, this means that a woman releases more than one egg a cycle. Still not getting it? More eggs=more babies. Three years ago, this reproductive phenomenon gave us Isabella and Olivia; my Bella and Lily. Sigh. They make me two hundred pounds of gelatinous putty in their pudgy little hands.

However—for some men—there is a freakish, testosterone driven compulsion to have a male child. I guess we get wrapped up in fantasies about little league, fishing trips, and carrying on our name.

During the girls’ second birthday party, I whispered into my wife’s ear, “Just one more…” (Insert Divine laughter here.)

With three little words, I infected her with the most contagious of all marital illnesses. Baby fever.

And baby fever is a beautiful thing. Cha-ching.

Now, my part was easy. Hers, on the other hand, included a dry erase calendar on the fridge coded with a frillion different colored markers. There were strange symbols, phrases and abbreviations that meant nothing to me. Five red dots…basal temp…CM…seven green X’s…luteal phase. I asked her once what CM stood for. She told me. You don’t want to know. Seriously. Many times I stared at her baby making chart while sneaking a swig of juice from the carton, just shaking my head. “I’m so lucky to be a man…all the weird and painful stuff falls on women.” (Insert more Divine laughter.)

Before I knew it, my work was done. One morning, my wife peed on at least ten plastic sticks before calling her obstetrician.

Five weeks later, we went for her first ultrasound. As my wife and Dr. Bentley Maserati chatted, I struggled to keep Bella and Lily out of cabinets and drawers. Scary, scary stuff in those drawers. Again, don’t ask.

While Dr. Maserati was squeezing a gallon of goo onto her belly, he assured us, “As I said before, having more than one twin pregnancy is statistically very rare…”

Word to the wise…don’t trust statistical data from a man that delivers babies for a living. It’s the obstetrical equivalent to “cooking the books”; the numbers always get fudged in his favor.

This was a harder pregnancy than the first…

When my wife was about three months along, she had horrible morning sickness, which is never isolated to mornings, by the way. While we were en route to church, she had me pull over. When she got back into the car, she pointed at me while screaming, “YOU mister, are going to make an appointment with the urologist tomorrow!”


“Because I just wet my pants while throwing up on the side of the highway. That’s why! No more!”

I stalled. I clucked. I am chicken, hear me roar. No way.

“Just one more,” gave us two. Girls. Again. Cecelia and Josephine. I dodged the scalpel conversation till after the girls finally came—all healthy and loud. I’m putty in their tiny hands…very tired putty. I have never slept less in my life. Somewhere in a CIA memo was a torture itinerary with my schedule on it.

One morning I watched in awe as my wife tandem nursed Cecelia and Josephine, while Sesame Street blared in the background and the toddlers stage dived off the couch.

She adjusted the football style hold she miraculously maintained. “Hey, did you ever make that appointment?”

“For what?”

“You know, snip-snip.”

Cringe. Cluck. Shudder.

“Er…uhh…no, honey. But what if we change our minds and want to try for a boy?”

At that moment, I heard a sizzle and a pop. It was her brain…

“Are you insane? We have four children, under the age of four, and you want a male heir to the throne? As far as I’m concerned,” she grabbed one of Josephine’s legs and lifted her off the pillow, “this child came out with ‘the end’ stamped on her bottom! Make the appointment, or I’ll do it myself!”

I was afraid she meant she would perform the surgery herself.

The next week I found her staring at the fridge muttering something like, “long luteal phase…”

Come morning I noticed a pregnancy test in the bathroom trashcan.

I wet my pants as I threw up in the Elmo potty chair.

By afternoon I had an appointment.


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This article has been read 2016 times
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Lori Othouse 04/23/09
This is hilarious! Love the male point of view and realism. Fantastic!
Charla Diehl 04/23/09
The way you told this humorous story had me smiling from beginning to end!
Leah Nichols 04/23/09
ROFL!!!!!! This was great. I remember having a patient that had 5 kids, went to get a tubal, and found out she was pregnant - with twins! God certainly has a sense of humor, eh? :)
Lynda Schultz 04/24/09
Love the title and, of course, all that followed. Well done.
Joanne Sher 04/24/09
Oh my. WHAT. A. RIOT. Loved the POV. This is TOO clever and funny.
Jan Ackerson 04/27/09
One of the funniest stories I've ever read, on this site or anywhere, you ninny.
Jae Blakney04/27/09
I don't read comedy because it's just not funny. Yeah, I'm that hard to impress. But this was funny.
Bryan Ridenour04/27/09
My wife and I have four...I am a chicken...but I will have o admit, I laughed out loud. Good job!
Bryan Ridenour04/27/09
By the way, I was reading this aloud to my wife and she laughed out loud all the way through...she says "thanks for the laughs!"
Joy Faire Stewart04/27/09
This is hilarious. I read it 3 times and LOL each time!
Betty Castleberry04/27/09
This is a delight! It's fun and well written. Two thumbs up.
Carole Robishaw 04/27/09

I think I wet my pants while I was laughing.
Myrna Noyes04/27/09
I agree with Lisa. Hee-hee-hee-hee...and so on and on!! :D VERY funny piece!
Gerald Shuler 04/28/09
Speaking as a father of five, this really had me clucking!
Verna Cole Mitchell 04/28/09
I'm with Lisa...he he he he he delightfully humorous.
Carol Slider 04/28/09
I'm with everyone else on this... I'll be laughing the rest of the day!!!
Joshua Janoski04/29/09
Very funny stuff, and it got me thinking about being a father someday. I shuddered at the thought of two sets of twins all under the age of four. Wow. That would be insane.

Great humor here. Loved the voice of the MC and everything about this fun little story.
LauraLee Shaw04/29/09
Oh. My. Gooooodness. I have not laughed that hard in a looooong time. Well-written, GREAT for topic.
Myrna Noyes04/30/09
Johnna Stein04/30/09
I chuckled and smiled the whole way through. My husband and I also referred to it as the "snip-snip". Congrats!
Lollie Hofer04/30/09
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, laugh, laugh, gasp, laugh, haw, haw, haw, hee, hee, hee, hee haw! Okay, you kinda can figure out I thought this story was funny. Congratulations! This was fun to read, entertaining while still being true to the theme. Congratulations!!! :) Chuckl, chuckle, chuckle...
Janice Fitzpatrick05/01/09
I love this! Great voice in this piece. I'll have to share this with my hubby-We can relate as we have faced a similiar situation-but that's another story.:0) Again congrats and great job!
Jim McWhinnie 05/03/09
What a delightful confession of the feminine mystery -- a curious and often mystified husband and father. Thank you for the insight.
Rhonda Schrock05/04/09
Congratulations on your placement! This one hits a little too close to home, bringing back memories from several years ago when we had two ribbon cuttings in our family - one for the business, which involved the mayor, the press, a red ribbon, and a big scissors. Thanks to our own special stork surprise, the other one involved no mayor, no press, no red ribbon, just a scissors. Hee hee.
Cindy Wright05/17/10
Fantastic!! I'm still laughing! More, More!!(stories not babies hehe)