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The fate of men lay heavy on my broad shoulders that night. I had no regrets, mind you; the assumptions and idiocy of Maxentius had shaped this battle. Each step of our steady march on Rome down the Via Flamina had seen my rival’s power and influence diminish. Now with the Milvian Bridge between us, I had delivered the battle that he himself had conceived.
The servants melted away, allowing my booted feet the space to move. I tended to talk aloud and pace while my thoughts stewed and this was best done alone. All those in camp knew of my desire for solitude, a rare commodity for any emperor.
Visions of mother cascaded across my memory. Pondering the spiritual never failed to bring Helena to mind, her voice unfolding stories of the One God and His Son. Her faith was gentle, but as solid as the Apennines. What would she say to me on the eve of this battle? How would she smooth the grooves of sharp doubt and the bites of the pagan men around me?
There were constant murmurs of oracles, visions and dreams. It was demanded that I call on Mars, Minerva and Apollo for guidance, not forgetting Fortuna and Bellona. My mother would never stomach such talk and would have been thinking of how the Hebrews battled for the Promised Land, Joshua relying solely on His God to lead them to victory. My own situation here in camp however, was not so simple. Surrounding the tent were thousands of men that worshipped any number of entities. The clouds of spirituality and religion were murky, could be dangerous, and needed to be dealt with before the call to attack was given.
It was as if the physical and practical decisions of the coming battle were trivial. It seemed that I, Constantine, must please every possible god and goddess, thereby securing victory for our army. My boots stamped the ground beneath the tent. What made these men think that smoke and sacrifice were essential keys to victory over the edge of a blade and the charge of cavalry? Trusting in the plans and actions of my legions was natural - walking the fine line of religious politics was becoming extremely difficult.
Behind my eyelids flashed a view of Maxentius discussing the coming battle with his advisors. Being in the city, they would likely have searched the Sibylline Books for guidance. I imagined the city priests entreating Mars on behalf of Maxentius, a mirror image of the rituals most likely happening within our camp that night on behalf of Constantine. The futility was almost comical.
My youthful goal to unify the divided Roman Empire appeared possible given a victory tomorrow. Unity required tolerance, acceptance and inclusion. However, a unified Rome would not be possible until a single ruler could direct the empire in all things. As a soldier, I understood that implicitly. As a politician, I desired it constantly. It was only in the realm of my soul that multiple influences and faiths intermixed. None had yet risen to the top to direct my spiritual path unchallenged.
Thoughts of my mother came into focus again. Out of every religion I had been exposed to, her faith in the One God was unique. Built on a well recorded and centuries old Jewish heritage, Christianity had not begun on emotions or fantasies. It had been a growth exploding from those who had walked this earth with the Christ Himself. One could not deny that Jesus of Nazareth lived and was hung on a Roman cross outside Jerusalem less than 300 years ago - but many denied him any claim to divinity and held fast to their old religions, eased by perpetual rituals and mysterious fears.
I had not yet chosen between the truth of the Christ and the comfort of the ancient faiths, but those hours before the battle saw me on the verge. Would it be the chants of numerous gods swarming in my brain or the shout of One Name Above All Names? The world around me stilled as I leaped into my future, calling for the signifiers.
Author’s Note *** Many early historians record that the signifiers (standard bearers) of Constantine’s army went into the Battle of the Milvian Bridge on 28 October 312 with the Laburum flying – a military standard bearing the first two Greek letters of the word “Christ” – Chi Rho. Constantine is credited with being the first Christian Roman Emperor.
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