The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/23/09
I loved this beautiful free verse poem, so rich in imagery.

The last three lines sort of changed the mood for me, and I almost think it'd be stronger without them, and with a different title, more in keeping with the wonderful, wonderful images in the body of the poem.
A beautiful tribute to a country so beautiful. God's creation.
01/25/09
I loved the lines,
"...where mother nature lost her mind
in ribbons of coral
throbbing with fish
flaunting endless design and color..."
Just beautiful. I agree that the last lines don't seem to fit...they reminded me of a tourism commercial. Otherwise, a lovely poem!
01/25/09
Oh, wow! This poem gave me goosebumps. It reminds me of a Psalm. Very nice.
01/25/09
Just read the other comments and wanted to add that I like the last lines. They make it clear that your witness and adoration of the awesomeness you describe so beautifully is an everyday joy. ;)
01/25/09
Your word choices are gorgeous in this poem. This is about the most beautiful thing I've ever read, "Take me - yes me -
to the edge of a long afternoon, Australia
just as the Sun is spilling itself into the ocean
splashing sky, sand, sea and surfer
with the red wine of fiery afterlight…" Wow!

01/26/09
I really like the part about the coral too!

I agree that the tone changed at the end. How about "Just another day....in Australia" as a substitute for the last three lines? That keeps it congruent with the title.

Nicely done! You are obviously a talented writer.
01/26/09
Wow! The images you created are alive - throbbing with fish, riddle within reality, underwater galaxies.... fantastic!
I enjoyed this alot! I like the repetition at the beginning of each line and the amazing alliterations throughout! Very descriptive and beautiful!
01/26/09
Beautiful! (I'm on the fence about the last three lines: part of me likes them and part of me thinks the poem will be fine without them...you could do a survey if you decide to send this on somewhere--and you should. Especially to someone in Australia--they should LOVE it.)
Beautiful! Simply beautiful! I love your choice of words.

Write on! <>< Trina
01/26/09
I am truly humbled by the comments. Thank you so much.

I would like to say, while I can absolutely agree that the last 3 lines are maybe not the best, :) I don't agree that it would be fine to just leave them off.

I think the poem would feel abrupt and unfinished.

If I read it like that, I can see myself looking on the other side of the page, or scrolling down for the "rest" of it. ;)

It (and any poem) needs an ending, a conclusion of some kind... in my opinion.
Thank you again ((((everybody!)))) :)
Outstanding free verse. I loved it.
This is beautiful.
05/27/09
I have a confession to make. I sent this poem to a published poet and poetry teacher friend of mine and she said pretty much everything Jan said ..

Get a better title .. lose the last 3 lines etc.

:D
Thanks for posting this in the favorites thread. I just read it again and love it more. The imagery is so vivid. Your hard work paid off.