30 Odd Times Bigger than England Street,
Hi Cousin Ozzie,
Why is it you hardly ever bother writing – is it because we keep beating you at cricket? Please don't get upset as your national team is really not that bad. You had your Sir Don Bradman and he was almost on a par with our Sir Len Hutton – maybe a little open to question!
Your side was rather nasty with us when they started using kangaroo bowling (that is now called bouncer bowling) to try and knock the blocks off our batsmen. Anyone would think that they hated us. Just kidding, I know we were the ones who started it, but we really do like you all down there, in both the urban and the outback areas – ahem!
After you beat us at cricket for the first time in 1882 we were so devastated that our lively winning game was dead and cremated, hence The Ashes. Since then you have won The Ashes a couple of times more than us but we like to encourage you – we know you sulk.
We really do appreciate your country being our close relation and that it has not yet kicked us into touch to go it alone like our cousin Amerie Carr. Although she went independent we were later reconciled. Perhaps you and I could get together sometime and invite her to a family get-together – I think we would have to do any travelling though.
Talking about kicking into touch – that brings us to the glorious game of rugby. This suits your nation; what with your reluctance to hail anyone with a greeting. Your team can just grunt and proceed to kick the living daylights out of our more noble team. Just kidding again, I know it's a free-for-all of thump bang wallop.
The weather here has been atrocious – 12 weeks of non-stop rain. Please can I come and stay with you again? The weather was glorious when I was down there for the Australian Open. I really do need some sunshine to get the aches out of these old bones – what you say?
We have a great tennis player now. In fact a world beater in our Andy Murray. Not only is he the best tennis player in the world, he's also in training for Mr Universe – what with his body developing into an Arnold Schwarzenegger look-a-like. Australia eat your heart out.
Ozz, you Aussies are a strange bunch and still have a lot to learn from us. Your bid to fame was the invention of the box kite, inspired by some great mind studying the boomerang. Don't get upset, just pulling your leg again, and you'll be able to return the compliment when you write me. I know there were other inventions that came out of your great country.
Like: Aspro – all that lager swigged away – what they say, necessity is the mother of all invention?
Hallelujah, out of this small beginning came the great discovery of penicillin – not one hint of sarcasm about this one. I'll finish off my list of notables with your invention of the permanent crease which for some reason or other you have permanently lost.
All this banter is really good natured teasing Ozz. We really do like the Aussies and although you call us Pommies which started off as a derogatory term that came from the British soldiers' hats having pom-pons on – it has now become acceptable like Ockers has to you.
Ozz – I must finish off here. Hope you'll not be long writing me. I loved your comment last time about you longing for England to become a second home for your dingos.
Your loving cousin,
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