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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: The USA (01/08/09)

TITLE: View from the other side of the pond
By Gregory Kane


In search of the New World

by Emily Jones, Form 3b, Trinity High School, Leeds, Yorkshire.

The United States of America are to be found in the northern hemisphere, situated between the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. Principal cities include Washington, Hollywood and Disney World. Several different languages are spoken, including English in the north and east and Spanish in the south. However the dialect of English employed has been greatly simplified with many peculiarities of spelling. For instance colour is spelled color and manoeuvre is rewritten as maneuver. (I am unable to comment on the Spanish.) The staple diet consists of hamburger, chips (known locally as fries) and coca-cola in the north, with tacos, guacamole and chilli sauce being popular in the south. As far as I can tell, the USA doesn't export anything of consequence except for action films and computer games, although in my opinion Nintendo and Sony beat the US hands down every time.

The USA used to belong to Great Britain. However when the Americans discovered a strong preference for coffee, they sank several boatloads of English tea in Boston harbour and decided to set up their own government. Initially King George tried to crush the rebellion but he was soon distracted by the more pressing threat of Nazi Germany, so he allowed the Americans to drink their espressos and cappuccinos in peace. Many Americans visit England every year and they especially enjoy touring Buckingham Palace. I suspect that most would quite like to rejoin the British Empire, but I don't think the Queen is all that interested as she doesn't much care for coffee.

Famous American presidents include George Washington, John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln as well as a number with rather odd names. Several of these have since died. The best loved of recent presidents has been Jed Bartlett who battled courageously against polio throughout his two terms. He has since been succeeded by Barak H. Obama, who is the first Hispanic to hold office. The former movie actor, Humphrey Bogart, once served as president of the US and I understand that Arnold Schwarzenegger, who starred in all those amazing Terminator films, would like to have a go as well.

The US was originally a Christian nation with immigrants coming from both catholic and protestant churches. However the leaders who lead the rebellion against Britain followed an odd religion called deism, which my pastor tells me is like a cross between Christianity and atheism. Apparently deists believe that God created the universe but then went off on holiday for the rest of eternity. Anyway these men said that people weren't allowed to pray in school any more and pastors couldn't work for the government. It seems that no one took much notice of these new rules until very recently when some folks got very upset. I don't think that going to church is seen as all that important these days because most Americans spend their Sundays going to malls or watching cable TV.

Americans are completely useless at playing football. To disguise this, they invented a fundamentally different game and called it football. This is basically a version of rugby but everyone has to wear body armour and helmets, probably because they're all wimps. Americans also play a game called baseball which is similar to cricket but most players can't actually hit the ball so there are a lot of misses. They also run round a big diamond but are allowed to stop at any of the corners if they get tired.

I would quite like to visit America one day. It would be cool to meet Mickey Mouse and maybe shake hands with Big Bird from Sesame Street. I haven't got a lot more to say as the USA isn't all that interesting a place. Next term we're going on a school trip to France and me and my mates we all think that the Eiffel Tower is fab.

Teacher's remarks: this is such an excellent and well-researched essay, I have entered it for the Wordsworth Memorial Competition on current affairs in schools. Emily, I'm extremely confident that you'll do well. I even learned a thing or two myself!

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This article has been read 1033 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Lynda Schultz 01/15/09
Oh, ouch! There are some very pointed jabs mixed with humour, and some serious notes as well. I think it's good!
cindy yarger01/15/09
Fun to read! And just when I was getting a big head from reading many other entries!
Joanne Sher 01/16/09
SO cute and fun. This must have been enjoyable to write - and I am VERY curious of the nationality of this writer!
Folakemi Emem-Akpan01/17/09
Of course the person who wrote this hilarious story is an American. I am a Nigerian and I live in Nigeria, and this is the same way we poke fun at the state of things here.
Thanks so much for this essay on dear old US of A
Verna Cole Mitchell 01/17/09
What fun! I loved it. (And how clever to have it written by someone who could make errors in mechanics!)
Kenneth Bridge01/17/09
An enjoyable read, amusing, wry, and insightful. Your voice is captured perfectly.
Angela M. Baker-Bridge01/18/09
Not written by an American, not politically correct enough :)
Beth LaBuff 01/18/09
Jan Ackerson 01/20/09
This is absolutely fabulous! I grinned all the way through it. Thanks for the wonderfully entertaining read.
Benjamin Graber01/20/09
I think this is hilarious... :-) Great job "poking fun" at us Americans... ;-)
Teresa Lee Rainey01/21/09
I especially like that Jed Bartlett fellow as President - LOLOL. Only someone - not- from the USA could write this - and with such wit. Thoroughly enjoyable. :)
Mariane Holbrook 01/21/09
I'll bet anything I know who wrote this. I laughed all the way through it because I could just see this person grinning and typing like crazy as thought after thought came to mind. What a delightful piece and such a fun read!!
Karlene Jacobsen01/21/09
I can hardly wait to find out who wrote this! (lol) It's a hoot. YOu through me with the Jed Bartlett as former president. I had to go back and think, then realized you were poking fun. Very cool.
LauraLee Shaw01/22/09
This is fabulously witty and creative.
Sheri Gordon01/22/09
Congratulations on your EC. Loved the part about football and baseball--too funny.
Diana Dart 01/22/09
Absolutely fabulous, spot on and certainly all of that! Cheers to the mate that penned this. Bond would be proud of all of your insider knowledge. OK, since I don't know any other Brit terms to tease you about, let me say this was extremely clever, creative and just plain, old fun. Great, great job and a well deserved EC - my fav this week.
Beth LaBuff 01/22/09
Congratulations on receiving an EC with this!!
Myrna Noyes01/22/09
Hee-hee! So deliciously humorous and clever!! CONGRATULATIONS on your very well-deserved EC!! :)