The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
11/30/08
There is a great story here, and I think it needs more that 750 words to be told. :)

Red Inkish feedback: The paragraph that starts "I guess it's true" packs a lot of punch, but needs to be broken up to send home the strong action points in your dialog tags. I also think your story would have been fine ending with the mom saying, "Pamela?" What comes next will be inferred by the reader.

I like your characters, and the plot and pacing of the story kept me reading to see what happened next.
12/01/08
A lovely story of redemption and the return of a prodigal.
You captured the emotion well; I especially liked the bit where she thumped back down into the pew without realizing she had stood up, and also her uncertain questions about her dad and whether he could forgive her. The ending gave double satisfaction with the unexpected emotional reconciliation with the daughter as well as the all round reconciliation with the parents.
If I interpreted your hint properly you asked for Red ink: I found the opening lines confusing. You refer to the MC as 'she' sometimes and as 'I' other times, so at first I thought there were 3 people in the church. I had to read the story a second time to get it straight who was who.
12/01/08
Great reconciliation story here--that's one of my favorite themes.

I had to read this a few times before I got the characters and their relationships straight.

Love the attitude of Audrey.
This is a lovely story of redemption and forgiveness. Red ink: I agree that the opening was confusing, with the she and I. It might have helped had you used italics to show her thoughts.
12/04/08
Carole, in case you don't see the Highest Rankings each week, I just wanted to let you know that you did very well in the Challenge this week. Even though you didn't quite make it into the winners' circle, you made it into the highest rankings for Level 3, placing 13th for the level. You also made it into the Highest Rankings overall, placing 38th out of all the entries for the week.

The competition is always extremely intense in Level 3, so well done. Keep up the great writing.

If you would like to check the highest rankings for yourself, you can see them here:

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=23289

With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)