I guess sitting here playing Minesweeper isn’t gonna find me a job. After all these months, I’m losing hope. I’ve gotta get something, anything, before summer ends or I’ll never get back on my feet before Christmas. Maybe today the Monster will hurl a good one my way. Let’s see, looks like a few options in my email box anyway:
• Short-order Cook needed IMMEDIATELY…yeah, right. Me in a kitchen is more like a tall-order, let alone cooking stuff?
• Manicurist with Own Tools…do they hire men? I’d meet lots of women in a place like that. I got my own small and large nail clippers. We’ll see.
• Proposal Writer…sounds interesting. I still got that journal of proposals I’ve written over the years, though I been dumped every time I used one of them. Not my fault those gals didn’t have a sense of humor.
• Experienced Gift Wrapper…I wonder if grocery bagger counts?
• Greeting Card Writer…that sounds easy enough. Let’s see—must be creative—if they saw my proposals, they’d know that I’m very creative—seeking original unique material—that’s my forte—available immediately for Christmas sentiments and verses. Just gotta shower, get dressed, and I’m ready. Maybe I should knock out a few samples before I give ‘em a call.
Let’s see, Christmas that’s unique:
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I love Christmas, what about you?
I’m not sure roses and violets are Christmassy enough, maybe:
Santa wears red, his eyes are blue,
Christmas is cool, and so are you.
Oh, I like that. How about:
Chilly nights, sparkling lights,
Lovely sights, elves in tights,
Family fights, Bill of Rights,
It must be X-mas!
I’m on a roll baby! Can’t forget our West Coast customers:
Cookies, candles, dudes in sandals,
Surfing through holidays,
While others fight through drifts of snow,
To wander the shopping maze.
Now that’s deep. We’ll sell lots of those in Texas and Florida too. Wonder if I’ll get royalties. I’m definitely into percentages that keep coming. Gotta plan for retirement, which I hope is sooner than later. Maybe I should throw in a few religious samples too:
May the Joy of the Season…
Nah, that won’t sell in a recession with unemployment, foreclosures, bankruptcies, and Wall Street’s roller coaster. No joy this season, delete that. Maybe something like:
Celebrating the Reason for the Season…
Who we kiddin'? The reason they’re pushing Christmas is to jump start the economy. The stores don’t care people can’t afford to shop without going deeper in debt. They’re worried about their own pockets, not about guys like me without jobs that can’t pay the rent.
No wonder the card company is looking for unique messages. They can’t use the same old lines that worked when people lived high on the hog. I remember those days of spending money without a second thought. Not any more, not for me, or for most folks I know. All right, before I get all down and depressed, I’ve got to shift mental gears. Hum…what can I write that’s positive without lying, that’s current, yet optimistic, maybe something sweet.
That’s it, I need to eat something sweet. That’ll get my creative juices flowing. Let me see what’s in my desk drawer. Great, an empty box of vanilla wafers, a half-eaten Snickers bar, stale Gummi Bears, what’s this gum stuck to? Looks like the Easter Service invitation from the neighbors. Maybe there’s something religious in here I can use. Even better, where’s Mom’s Bible? I probably packed it after the funeral. The hall closet! That’s where her stuff is. I need to get up and stretch anyway.
Wow, look how young mom was when she had me. Man, she had a tough life. I’m complaining about struggling now, but she never had money…the Depression, dad dying while she was pregnant, still she never complained. She was the happiest person I know; nothing robbed her joy, not even cancer. Here’s her Bible, just like I remember: marked, written-in, and worn. This page’s earmarked:
“I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice…
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”*
Yup, that sounds like Mom. Here’s one for her:
Instead of going to Wal-Mart,
This Christmas why don’t you be smart?
Go to Jesus, he’s all you’ll need.
Perfect. That greeting card job is mine!
* Psalm 34:1-2,4 (NIV)
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