Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Countdown to Christmas/Advent (10/23/08)
TITLE: Diary of a Mad Green-Clad Man
By Joshua Janoski
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A week before Christmas. I hate this time of year! The factory gets all riled up. Everyone is working their fannies off to meet production goals. This fuss could have been prevented had everyone worked harder in January instead of standing around talking about the latest episode of American Idol. I finished my rocking horses, and I’m ready to use my vacation time to relax. I can’t wait!
Got me a cup of hot cider and the latest edition of the North Pole News. There’s an article in the lifestyles section discussing how women nowadays are more attracted to short guys. I’ll check that out after seeing how my stocks are doing...
This stinks. My cell phone kept ringing yesterday. The Big Man threatened to fire me if I didn’t get back into work. He said I needed to help the other production lines get their work finished. I told him I am entitled to my vacation days, but he quickly reminded me about the job shortage in this part of the world. I have no choice…Looks like I am making baby dolls named Betsy today…*Sigh*
This isn’t fair. I got my work completed early! Why do I have to help these schmucks who decided to slack off all year long? Like Larry over in trinkets. Is it really that hard to assemble 1,000,000, plastic yo-yos in a year? I wonder if anyone even asks for this kind of stuff anymore. Since when did kids want toy soldiers? Didn’t that stuff go out in the 50’s? We don’t assemble any iPods or DVD players here, and I KNOW those have to be on a lot of people’s lists. It’s a big conspiracy…
I took this job because it was better than working for the circus. The pay was the same, but this job offered me benefits such as a 401k, health insurance, and a PAID VACATION! Too bad I don't get to use my vacation time when I want to; my 401k has plummeted because of the poor economy, and my health insurance only supports an HMO doctor that told me, and I quote, “You drank too much coffee growing up.” And don’t even get me started on the company uniforms we have to wear with their generic green colors and pointy shoes with bells that jingle jangle everywhere you go. So annoying! Oh well. Time to go assemble trains that Gertrude didn’t finish…
The boss called me into his office today. Boy, what a fine piece of work he is! He sits around eating cookies and drinking milk all day. Doesn’t he realize that those cookies are packed full of cholesterol? He’s already taking Lipitor because his pipes are getting clogged. He found out that I was complaining about our Christmas bonus getting cut this year. Instead of getting a cash bonus, we all got copies of “Neil Diamond’s Greatest Christmas Hits” on CD. I got some bum excuse about excess corporate spending and how it’s for the good of the company. Whatever! The fact is, Chubby is getting greedier every year. I’m glad I am frugal with my money. There are a dozen Hummers outside but I choose to drive a go-kart. It’s kind of a stereotypical ride for a guy like me, but it’s a hybrid and gets 40 miles to the gallon. However, getting fuel transported up here is a pain, and paying $35.00 a gallon for gas doesn’t help matters. Maybe I’ll put some snow tires on my Schwinn and pedal it to work…
It’s crunch time. Have to fill up the bags, gas up the sleigh (by feeding the reindeers Mexican food), and sweep up the mess on the factory floor after the boss takes off. All of this hard work culminates with only a pat on the head and being told that I’m “Santa’s Little Helper.” Is that a compliment or an insult? Maybe I can go rest up for a few days now…
Oh no! The slug got stuck inside a chimney again! This happens every year, and of course, I get commissioned to go pull him out. After I’m done prying him out with the jaws of life, I’m going to present him with a Weight Watchers gift membership, and then I’m going to go apply in Whoville. I hear there is a guy there who shares my sentiments about this absurd holiday…
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