The adult child me stands against the tree, eyes closed, counting for all Iím worth. ď98, 99, 100 Ė Ready or not, here I come!Ē Let the game begin!
Sleep eludes me. I lay and think. I toss and turn. I hum. I shake my foot and then I finally get up. It catches me; I succumb, only to wake up once again. I let it get the best of me. I should turn on praise and worship music but instead I turn on the tube.
My weight always finds me. I work hard at losing it and it comes back and brings many pounds of friends along to play. I am thoroughly enthralled and enraged with the flab under my arm. I only newly discovered it while trying to sleep. It waved as I waved. It was a very disconcerting sight, but entertaining nonetheless.
I walk along, minding my own business in a store when I happen to look up and see someone I would rather not talk to at the time. By past experience, I know I will be there for at least an hour. I pretend not to see her. I avoid eye contact at all cost. I escape, barely, and with a little guilt splattered on my conscience.
I try to ignore the dust in my house. I pretend itís not there. I will it to go away. I also will away the dirty dishes in the sink but to no avail. There they sit. There the dust lies.
My kids call for me. I can pretend not to hear but they know that game all too well and I donít get by with it. There is no hiding from them. They find me, lost in a book or on the computer.
All of these things I try to hide from. Sometimes I even hide from God. He knows where I am. He knows what Iíve done and He knows what I havenít done. I know these things but I hide anyway. Just like a young child, I close my eyes and think that I canít be found and then am totally amazed and dismayed when I am.
I love what Paul says in Romans. Itís his tongue twisting, mind-boggling verses. Iíve decided that I am in very good company. I like how Paul thinks.
*And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to doóthis I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
I know I should open my Bible and read it. This I know and this I donít do so many times. I know I should lose weight before the flab under my arms takes over. This I know and this I donít do. I know I should get on my knees and cry out to Jesus before I get in too deep. Do I do this? Not until Iím already in the deep end.
What I should and shouldnít do escapes me. It hides from me and I donít seek it out until I am in a must-do-it-or-lose-my-mind situation. Iím not sure why. Iím much too old for this constant game of hide-and-seek.
**ďNothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.Ē
And for this reason, I need to get out of the game and get serious. ďOlly, Olly, all set free!Ē
* Romans 7:17-19 (NIV)
**Hebrews 4:13 (NIV)
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