The wind whipped through my fingers as I tightened the knot. Not a single car had passed me since I got here. It’s a good thing too. My mind’s made up.
I make another loop with the ½” thick nylon rope that I picked up at Home Depot an hour ago. The guy at the store made sure to tell me that it wouldn’t break. It’s guaranteed to stop me from falling. And I said, “Perfect.”
The problem I’m having is that I don’t know the correct way to tie a noose. I never took Suicide 101, or whatever class you take to learn that. I’m such an idiot. I could’ve Googled it. Whatever, the regular knot should do it, but I’m giving it an extra one. Just in case.
Because it totally matters how I go out.
It’s all a part of my big plan to kill myself.
I reach my arms around the light post and grab the rope from myself. I’ve never wanted to have been a boy scout more in my life. Seriously, this is where a slip knot would come in handy.
My big plan consists of me jumping off this bridge, and killing myself. I hate life, and everything in it. No one cares about me. My parents fought all the time, but stayed together for “my benefit.”
You know what it’s like growing up in hate? It’s like cutting your arm open, then pouring in bleach. Sure, it may kill some bacteria, but really it’s going to poison your blood and kill you. Thanks a lot Mom and Dad. Thanks for the memories.
“Don’t do this.”
I didn’t say that, and as I spin around, I can’t see anyone who could have. So, I ask what anyone would ask in my situation, “Hello?”
“You don’t want to do this.”
I’m getting kind of dizzy from all this spinning. There’s no way anyone could be around me. I’m losing my mind.
“You’re not going crazy. This is God.”
God? God? Of all the people to ask me not to do this, He’s the last one. If I’m crazy, all the more reason to throw myself off this bridge. God’s never been there for me before.
“I have been there for you. And you can’t jump. I need you.”
I put the loop around my neck and go to the railing.
“You are the one that is going to show my love to everyone in your situation.”
No, I’m going to kill myself to get out of my situation. The situation that you put me in. I hate everything about life. Why would I tell about your love when you’ve never loved me?
“I do love you. I love you so much, that I’m stopping you from killing yourself.”
I step up on the railing. This ends now. All the pain, all the hurt, everything. I close my eyes and lean forward. My feet slip off the railing behind my body. I’m falling for a good twenty feet when the rope should snap my neck.
But then, nothing happens. I fall into the water below. It’s deep, and the water is calm. I’m alive, and underwater.
“I love you.”
I swim to the top of the water.
“I kept you from boy scouts.”
I drag myself onto the shore. The bridge is at least fifty feet above me, and the rope is still around my neck. It must have slipped off the light post.
“I kept you from dying.”
All around the underside of the bridge is rocky terrain, even in the water, except for a thin line of deep dark water.
“Can we talk?”
I might be crazy, but that was a miracle. Yeah, we might have some things to talk about.
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