It was a nightmare…
I was driving downtown when a car ran a red light and sideswiped my passenger side door. I spun out of control, and my SUV slammed into the curb. Thankfully, I was the only one in my vehicle, so I was ok. However, there was now a big mess of shattered glass and fiberglass parts scattered throughout the intersection. I picked up the phone and dialed 911…
Thank you for calling 911 Emergency.
Gracias por llamar 911 emergencia.
For English, press one.
Para espanol prensa dos
My worse nightmare had come true! 911 decided to follow corporate America’s footsteps and implement an automated phone system to save time and money. I hurriedly punched the number one on my cell phone’s keypad…
In order for us to better serve you, here please listen to the following menu options:
If you are bleeding from the head, press one.
If you have been stabbed or shot, press two.
If you are having a heart attack or stroke, press three.
If you are choking or trying to save someone who is choking, press four.
For more options, press five.
Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? I just need to speak with someone about a wreck! I pressed five.
If your house is on fire, press one.
If you are being robbed, or are witnessing a robbery, press two.
If you are being held hostage and have a firearm pointed at your head or know someone who does, press three.
If you have been in a car wreck, or if you have witnessed a wreck taking place, press four.
Number four. That’s what I want!
If the wreck was a single car wreck, press one.
If multiple vehicles were involved in the accident, press two.
Here I am standing on the street corner with my car smashed in like a tin can, and all I want is to get a police officer on the scene! Is that too much to ask? I press two.
We at 911 emergency are sorry to hear that you got in a car wreck. In order to best serve you, we need additional information. Please state your first and last name.
I’m so nervous that I can barely remember my name right now. Why are they asking me this stuff?
Did you say…Sheila Rice? If this is correct press one, to repeat your name press two, to end this call press pound.
I SAID SHELLY PRICE!
I’m sorry. I didn’t understand what you said. Please speak your first and last name into the phone. Speak softly and speak clearly.
S-H-E-L-L-Y-P-R-I-C-E! Do you understand THAT stupid computer?”
I’m sorry; I didn’t understand what you said. Please hold while I transfer you to an emergency dispatcher who can assist you. One moment…
Did 911 just put me on hold? Why am I listening to Boy George and Culture Club when I am in urgent need of a police officer?
We are currently experiencing a large call volume. Please stay on the line and your call will be handled by the next available dispatcher. If you need immediate assistance as to what to do in an emergency situation, you can check out our frequently asked questions page on our website at www.911emergencycares.com. Need priority help? Sign up for our exclusive “911 Gold Member” program and get placed in the front of the phone queue. Members also receive our exclusive newsletter featuring articles by medical geniuses including: Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, and Dr. Kevorkian. We have membership plans starting at just $29.95 a month. Full details are available on the website.
I look at the driver who ran the red light and caused all of this mess. He too is sitting on his cell phone waiting to be helped, along with several other onlookers. Wait! It’s ringing now!
“You have reached the 911 dispatcher help desk. We are currently out to lunch. If you will please leave your name, number, and a detailed message, we will return your call as quickly as possible. Thank you.”
“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
I throw my phone down and smash it into a million pieces. My fit of rage gets interrupted, as I wake up in my bed startled.
“Was that a dream? I sure hope it was.”
I grab the phone to call my parents…
Thank you for calling the Price residence.
Gracias por llamar la residencia del Precio.
To speak with Marvin Price, please press one.
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