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3 AM
“Hey lady your kid’s in jail, do you want to post bail.”
“Hi Dad… I’m in the hospital but I’m really not hurt all that bad…It’s just a couple ribs, and a tiny compound fracture of my left femur. Oh yes, and a few facial cuts and a somewhat minor concussion...sort of minor…you know it’s not as bad as it could have been…incidentally the Ford’s a total wreck.”
“Your grandmother just graduated into heaven.”
“Ish da blond dar? Ya know da one wit da spider web tattoo on er elbow…Is dis Charlie’s place? Sorry man, I musta dialed da wrong numba.”
“The warrantee on your car is about to run out…………”
On my worse days it seems as if everything that happens at 3 AM is bad. Even children born at that hour are bound to grow up evil. Anyone who would give a woman bad enough birth pains to awaken her husband, at that ghost and goblin hour, can’t be any good.
Do not, call me at 3 AM. I don’t care if my house is on fire, don’t call. If you’re lonely you can be assured, I won’t be good company for at least another four hours. Adrenalin does bad things to me. Things you really don’t want to see.
God has a 24/7 365 day hot line. Say a long prayer and call me after 9:00 AM.
Calls in the middle of the night are never welcome. I have an imagination that works overtime. At that hour I’ve just completed three episodes of “Death by Cannibal” and I’m in the middle of the feature dream of the week, titled “How fast can you run?”
The mark of a person’s character is clearly witnessed in the way they handle 3 AM phone calls.
Please don’t ask me if my 10 AM Sunday morning Christianity is observable at 3 AM on Tuesday, when I’ve just taken a collect call from the kid in Idaho asking if my refrigerator is running. I’ve already logged enough sins for the next few weeks. I don’t need to compound them with several unbecoming words or the blatant lie. “Oh yes, God and I are tight, day and night.”
I’m one of those people who truly requires ten full hours of beauty rest, and I still wake up feeling like a gorilla stomped me and a bird died in my mouth.
No I’m not interested in purchasing a cell phone…THANK YOU!
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