thank you for your sweet letter. I am so pleased to hear that you are looking for a wife. And you are quite correct in saying that I too am in search of a soul mate. I pray daily to the Good Lord that he might grant us both our hearts’ desires. I believe that Jesus has in store for me a man who is erudite, urbane, and genteel. His name remains a mystery but I have faith that he will not long delay.
Dear cousin, I am taking the liberty of enclosing a gift of a dictionary – a small token of my familial affection for you – and an aid to any future letter writing as your spelling is [sic] ahtroshoosh.
My pater sends greetings to his brother
Your devoted Emily-Marie
how I do love surprises! I am of course terribly honoured by your declaration of undying love [please note correct spelling, not undieing] but I regret I must tenderly decline. The Good Lord in his wisdom has decreed that sparrow hawks should mate with sparrow hawks and common, plain sparrows with those of their ilk. So it’s eminently preposterous that you and I should contemplate any such marital union. I pray that you will soon locate a suitable feathered-friend with whom to build a homely nest.
My mater sends greetings to her sister
perhaps I was not clear enough in my last correspondence. Yes, I am well aware that cousins are legally permitted to marry. (I am not a hick – unlike some I could but for decency’s sake won’t mention.) Such laws are in place for sensible reasons. As you know, our respective fathers, brothers to each other, chose to marry sisters – that makes us cousins twice over. Can you imagine the potential for chromosomal aberration, were we to mix our gene pool? I fully intend that my children become doctors and lawyers and as such I plan to select my future mate with the utmost care. Should I consent to your proposal, our offspring would be more likely to end up the sort of moron who ekes out a living by filtering used car oil through his oversized teeth!
Kindly mention this matter no more to me. I am not interested.
Master D Brown,
you leave my bosom alone right now – I am warning you. You’re not being in the slightest bit poetic – but smutty and vulgar and uncouth and debased. And I cannot believe your impudence in comparing my buttocks to a pair of juicy cantaloupes – or according to your imbecilic spelling, joozy candyloops. God forbid that I should marry such a retard! I have shown your pathetic sonnets to my father and his response was to roll around the floor in hysterics. I have no doubt that you shall be hearing presently from your parents on the subject of how not to treat a lady.
Ms E Brown
rejoice with me – I am to be married. Who, you might ask, is the lucky man? What white knight has swept in from some dark eastern shore and pledged his solemn troth? I am hand-fasted to Aunt Tilly’s son, Peter. I’m sure you must remember him – he was such a runt as a wee boy, always being pushed over by his taller cousins and then running off to tell tales. He’s really filled out now, positively rippling with muscles and as tall and wide as old Mrs Magillycuddy’s oak.
I appreciate that my glad tidings may come as something as a shock. Dear cousin, I’m sorry not to have answered your last eleven letters but I do want to share some news certain to soothe your aching heart. My sister, Louisa, is secretly enchanted by your love letters. She has read each one at least thirty times and - I probably shouldn’t be saying this – I have caught her scratching out my name and scribbling ‘Louisa’ instead. My sister is patently nowhere near as attractive nor as intelligent as my humble self. But I suspect that an amorous missive in her direction would be very positively received. Who knows, we may yet end up as brother and sister!
Your affectionate Emily-Marie
PS Just in case you didn’t quite follow the import of my preceding counsel, let me put it more simply – my little sister think you real hot. Want make many babies. Write to Louisa straight away. Love, E-M
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