Same mother + same father = identical offspring. This formula represents a fundamental truth you can bank on. When studying families, the data reveals uncanny similarities between brothers and sisters. Each child has the same taste in clothes, entertainment, hobbies, friends, and spouses. Each will have exactly the same relationship with their parents. Families with children consist of conformity, harmony, and unity. All families with multiple members will testify to this truth.
Unfortunately, for centuries only-children have led a grassroots effort to undermine the blissful realities of brothers and sisters. Their agenda: discourage couples from having multiple offspring. These only-children blatantly lie, reinterpret history, provide inaccurate accounts of sibling rivalry, make absurd accusations, and twist the Holy Scriptures to propagate their agenda.
As a member of a large Christian family, I have had enough. I feel it is my duty to come forward and set the record straight. It is time to hold only-children accountable. Therefore, it is my intent to expose the Scriptures they distort lest you are deceived in believing brothers and sisters do not live in perfect harmony, as ordained by God.
Lie #1: Cain killed Abel. Could you imagine any brother even wishing his brother’s death, let alone planning and executing him? These carbon-copy brothers adored each other. Obviously, the serpent killed Abel. He attributed it to Cain to get even with Adam and Eve for ratting him out to God. After all, anyone sentenced to slither on their belly for the rest of their life would want retribution. Brothers do not kill brothers, ever.
Lie #2: Jacob stole Esau’s birthright. When was the last time you saw a mama’s body steal anything from a big burly outdoorsman carrying a weapon? Besides, of all the foods on earth, Jacob would never have used lentils as his bait. Esau was obviously a steak and potatoes, without sour cream or chives, kind of guy. Esau willingly gave his fortune to Jacob. Older brothers love supporting their younger brothers for the rest of their lives.
Lie #3: Leah stole Rachael’s man. What sisters would ever allow a man to come between them? Why would any sister, especially an older one, ruin her sister’s happiness on her wedding day, or on any other? Rachael’s wedding was the highlight of Leah’s life. That low-life Jacob snuck into Leah’s bed on his way to Rachael’s room, then tried to accuse everyone else for his two-timing ways. Weddings unite sisters; they never cause petty jealousy, bickering, or strife.
Lie #4: Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. First, are we to believe the trigger was a coat of many colors? How many men do you know that would wear a multicolored coat unless it was slight variations of black or gray? Honestly, would ten men want a rainbow covering? If they tore the coat to shreds, it was to preserve Joseph’s dignity without offending their visually impaired father. Unfortunately, no one thought of destroying the coat before Joseph ran off with the circus. Poor Joey hitched a ride out of town after everyone saw that hideous gift. Brothers selflessly protect each other’s reputation.
Lie #5: David’s brothers envied him. Let us put this story into proper perspective. David was a young adolescent playing a harp out in the fields to an audience of sheep when he was not fantasizing or dreaming. His adult brothers were taller, hairy, stronger professional military men fighting to defend their nation. Why would David’s presence concern them in the least? When they saw him picking up stones, they assumed he was off to the stream to skip them, not take on a giant. Older brothers are protective of their baby brothers, nurturing them; they do not watch them enter a battle unarmed.
Lie #6: ------ Excuse me for a moment but it sounds like screaming coming from our family room. No one else is here except for my family, but, wait … that almost sounds like one of my sisters raising her voice. No way, that cannot be my other sister saying such horrible things. Why is my brother screaming too? I had better check this out …
“Hey you guys, what’s going on out here? Are you actually arguing? What could you possibly disagree over?”
“Shut up and go back to your fantasy planet you idiot.”
“How did food get on the wall?”
“Leave before we throw something at you.”
“But where’s our unified bliss?”
“It’s only in your dreams, freak!”
Oh no, only-children infiltrated my Utopia!
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