The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/09/08
Great interaction between the sisters, and the dialog is just right. This felt so authentic. Love the dog addition, too. Very nicely done.
Your characterization here is excellent. You did a great job of showing the strength of the older sister and the reason the younger could trust in her.
05/12/08
Ooh, excellent--the sister as protector, and she proves that she can do it in the encounter with the dog. Great job with setting and mood, a strong entry.
You are a master of detail! The use of a few German words adds atmosphere and interest to your story. I like how you show that a new level of relationship has formed between the sisters. Very nice!
05/12/08
This story is good. I love it. I love the protective nature of the older sister. Truly great writing!
Laury
05/13/08
I love this word, "visoring"! And I had to smile at your use of the word "porcine". So, did the new Opa speak in German to the younger sister (and she didn't understand him)? I love your use of German in this!
05/13/08
The details in this are so rich and true. I felt like I was walking along with them. The mood and feelings are so evident they simply ooze out. Excellent.
A sister-protector...perfect! This is expertly written. The details put right me right in the middle of things. Thumbs up!
05/13/08
The touches of German, with a dog that only responds to the language it knows, against a backdrop of personal suffering, was moving. The conclusion was good too, with the older sister protecting the younger one.
Really loved this story. I always wished for a sister and this made me wish it even more. Very enjoyable and gripping read.
I like the determination of the 12-year old.

The dog's gnawing was quite jarring. Great Job!

05/14/08
Oh, I love, Love, LOVE this!!! You are so creative and clever...
You always give your characters such life - I really loved this... excellent job.
I had a sister like this so this was an especially good read for me. Great job!
05/14/08
I'm glad those sisters have each other! I really liked the touches of culture too, with the German words and especially the key at the bottom. This was pretty good! ^_^
Great story telling! You pulled me right into their world.
I really like the way you gave the older sister insights into the situation and how the younger girl could in the end trust her. The nuances were perfect and the setting to tell the story flowed naturally making the unfolding scene very real.
So well written, the dialogue, the descriptions, the atmosphere all combined to make a captivating story. Well done!
05/14/08
good dialogue and characterization.
Well done
I am glad that the older sister was looking out for her younger sibling. I could picture the girls walking down the road having the conversation. Nicely done.