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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Uncles/Aunts (04/17/08)

TITLE: The Longest Week
By Janice Cartwright
04/23/08


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I walk through the front door and stand still, already wanting to be back at home. I had heard talk about my aunt’s house, but from the look of things family gossip did not tell the half of it. The malodor of urine, stale and fresh, attacks my nostrils; in fact all I see reeks of disregard, neglect and a coarse existence.

How did I ever come to be here? It is my mother’s fault, all her fault. She should have sensed my lack of enthusiasm for this visit and politely gotten me out of it. But no, she let my Aunt Dolly talk rings around her and so I am to be stuck in this misery pit for the next seven days. What a stinker.

To begin with for terribleness is the fact my aunt and uncle live in THE COUNTRY. At ten I have never experienced the charming side of rural living; fresh air, vegetable gardens, compost piles, even little buggies if they are helpful ones, may intrigue me some day. But at ten I am a pernickety ninny with only the opinion of my family and Aunt Dolly’s raw world to define life outside civilization.

Next in line of importance, I am terrified of my boy cousins. I have never seen the vast pack of redheads on home turf but I have heard plenty. Aunt Dolly has a stern look about her, but her selective observation where they are concerned has not escaped me.

To make matters worse, my four sibling turncoats ditch me right off. I think they figure it is every boy or girl for numero uno.

Although the front door experience when I first arrived at my aunt and uncle’s house remains vivid, after that my memory banks yield voids as well as features. I think of it as barbed wire. The smooth parts represent blank spaces; otherwise, certain hellish and bizarre events stick out like barbs:

“Drink it, it’s good for you.” My aunt is holding a dented metal dipper of fresh cows’ milk, warm from the udder. Her hair and eyebrows are black and I think I see a printed cotton dress on a stocky torso. I feel blessed not to remember if I accepted the cow pee.

“Want to go swimming?” My cousin Marsha sounds eager.

I am dubious. None of her ideas so far have worked out in my favor.

“Where?”

“The Brubaker’s. They live down the road. They’re rich.”

“Do they mind?”

She looks condescending. “Mother says we can swim there any time we want to.”

The non-specific cable goes along for a while and then another barb appears. It is afternoon and a group of us are on our way to the Brubaker’s. The sandy soil interspersed with stones and noxious growth scorches my bare feet so I try to walk fast. But I fall behind the others. Sudden, sharp pain causes me to howl my head off. We had burrs at home but not this kind.

“A goat head,” Marsha calls over her shoulder. “Pull it out.”

I sit on scorched plain and John Wayne enters the barb. He is extracting an arrow from his foot: he grits his teeth and bears the agony. Wire, wire. The others are now out of sight and I have no idea how to get to the Brubaker’s. What I do know is that something vicious is chewing on my legs and bottom. I inspect the ground and realize I chose the center of a red ant bed for my hurried seating. Immediately more hallowed wire intervenes.

Barb. “We can sew.” Marsha holds up a length of fabric.

“On your mother’s sewing machine? She won’t get mad?”

“No, I do it all the time. You can go first.”

I seat myself before the ancient Singer, process through bobbin winding, and start to snip the thread end.

“Boy, are you in trouble.” Her tone is bossy like my aunt’s.

“Why?”

“You’re wasting thread.”

The thread becomes fencing material that stretches into the days of the Aunt Dolly week, a long and dreadful strand of missing home and parents, especially my mother. A knot in the wire pops up, but it has no bite to it. I am in my own back yard and it is bliss. I am kneeling on green grass petting my dog, Daisy.

“Were you homesick? Did you miss me?” My mother sounds like the angel of my heaven.

I do not look up. “A little, I guess.”


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This article has been read 434 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sara Harricharan 04/24/08
Wow. That is the longest week ever. I feel sorry for her, and I could identify the choppy pace of the memories and as they came. The end was bittersweet, but I liked it. Nice job. ^_^
Beth LaBuff 04/28/08
While there were a few comedic moments (and phrases) "pernickety ninny" "sibling turncoats" and I had to laugh at the cow's milk paragraph. :) yes, the wry comedy came through, but perhaps was overshadowed … I felt sorry for the girl. Maybe it's because she was a child and couldn't change her circumstances (you used words like "terribleness" "terrified", perhaps if an adult was put in this situation, it would have been more humorous. I felt the burrs… we had them in Iowa too. The John Wayne paragraph was fun. I enjoyed seeing the slice of country life through the eyes of the ten year old city girl. (since I grew up in the country). I liked your "thread/cable" element that you tied this together with.
Sharlyn Guthrie 04/28/08
I thoroughly enjoyed this! I can also relate. You made me feel for the girl who was "out of her element." Yet no harm was done, and she grew in ways she didn't even realize. The voice you gave her was perfect. I definitely picked up on the humor. Your detail and descriptions are vivid and well-worded.
Jan Ackerson 04/28/08
Very, very good writing--your word choices and descriptions are great, as is your characterization.

I'm still debating your use of present tense. While I'm generally a fan of present tense, it's not the way that a 10-year-old would speak/write, and as she's the narrator, the voice just didn't "work" at times. If this had been done in the past tense, as an adult recalling the long week, all of the word choices and "grown up" sentences would make more sense.

But I'm not sure. One of those "writer's choice" things, and this is very, very good.
Sheri Gordon04/28/08
You did a really good job of describing the scene. I could picture what was happening.

I think I agree with Jan's observation. The voice sounded too old for a 10-yr old--but would make sense for an adult looking back.

Strong entry--and I really like the last line.
Willena Flewelling 04/29/08
I agree with the comments about using present tense here. It is written the way an older person would tell it, when looking back. For instance, the part about what she would grow to appreciate later... as a 10-year-old she did not know that yet, so could not speak of it.

Otherwise it is well written, and I enjoyed it.


   
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