The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/14/08
Sweet little story! I don't think you need the lesson in the last paragraph. You've written your story well--trust your writing and your readers. They'll get it.
03/15/08
Cute story. I agree about the last paragraph. I think that to have the reader feel more connected, it would help to either keep the story entirely from the mouse's point of view or from the mother's. That way you can stay truer to the genre you are writing for.
I loved how you made me relate your lazy teenager to others I have known. Very creative on the names of your mice.
A very nice allegory/parable, and nice use of anthropomorphism.
I agree with the others about the last paragraph.
I think your third person, omniscient narrator worked just fine.
03/17/08
Cute story with a good lesson tucked in.