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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: birthday (05/23/05)

TITLE: An Estrogen Moment
By Maxx .
05/29/05


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To get my nine-months-pregnant Cindy out of our waterbed took a Herculean effort on my part. The cruel twist was that she had to get up every fifteen minutes all night long to go to the bathroom.

“If I have to suffer, you have to suffer,” she said. She’d prepared a seductive candle light dinner on our anniversary that led to this whole baby thing. I wish she’d pointed out the fine print at that point before I signed on.

After my nightly bathroom workouts I still had to report to my desk early each morning to the employer who provided our insurance. It was the insurance that paid the ob-gyn…

…so that the ob-gyn could earn enough money to schedule his European vacation on our due date. Seemed fair, I didn’t want him to be overworked. There was always Ol’ Doc Martin, the town’s part time vet, to cover things. I met him once. He asked me if Cindy was a heifer or if she’d calved before.

The Bible tells husbands that we’re supposed to love our wives as Christ loves the church. That’s nice. But I don’t remember the church being pregnant and hormonal. I think it might have changed a few things if the church demanded pickles and rocky-road ice-cream at three in the morning.

Then came the night when Cindy’s elbow jabbed me awake a little harder than usual. “I think it’s time,” she’d said.

Time? My mind went blank.

My feet got tangled in the sheets as I hurried to stand. I fell against our bookcase and was buried beneath forty-eight baby name books, seventeen do-it-yourself nursery decorating manuals, and Parenting for Dummies. “Don’t worry,” I said.

She didn’t. “Hurry. I’ve got to go… now!”

I helped her up and she waddled down the hallway toward the door. I grabbed the pre-packed suitcase and my keys, then sprinted to catch up.

We made it to the hospital in record time. I was impressed to find a nurse waiting for us by the door. She waved at me to park beside her.

“Your wife called,” she said. “Says you left her in the bathroom.”

Okay, that was my bad. It didn’t matter anyway. I drove like I was in NASCAR and we finally both arrived at the hospital where we promptly…

…waited.

“Two centimeters, but we’d better let you stay anyway,” the nurse said, half an eye on me.

So we stared at Cindy’s stomach all night long waiting for it to do something. Wow.

It’s all Eve’s fault, really. She ate the apple and men have been victimized during childbirth ever since. Cindy was torn by two desires. The first was for ice-chips, which were in the freezer down the hall. The second was to see me stand by her bed for every second of labor.

“Could you please get me some ice-chips?” she asked, her voice the image of helplessness.

“Sure thing, honey.” I took her cup and stepped toward the door.

“Just where do you think you re going?” I stopped and turned to her. My innocent wife had been replaced by a drooling, snapping devil-dog complete with blazing eyes and fangs.

I pointed to the cup and tried to smile. “Ice-chips?”

“How dare you leave me in my time of need! Return to your post, you insolent minion!”

I was asked to put on a set of surgical scrubs as delivery neared. They were pale green and ten sizes too large. With the hair cap in place I resembled a six-foot mushroom that had sprouted by the head of the bed. The nurses laughed every time they walked in. Ol’ Doc Martin called me a fichus.

The anesthesiologist asked if we wanted medication for the pain. I did. My feet were killing me. But Cindy was a trooper and chose to scream for the duration. She did an outstanding job.

When our twin daughters were finally born there was a moment when the room was still. The gathered crowds of medical personnel stood and watched, waiting. Cindy held her breath. Ol’ Doc Martin was trying to count udders or something. Me? I was wondering how on earth I could possibly raise and protect two girls.

I prayed during that second.

When I remember the birth of my daughters, I remember that pause, that moment of stillness, that perfect instant.

It was the last quiet I’ve known. Both Cindy and the babies broke into tears. My life’s been dominated by estrogen ever since.


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This article has been read 1082 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Karri Compton05/30/05
This is hilarious. We women think it's all so horrible, and think the men have the easy job. Actually, I still think they do.:) Nice story.
Suzanne R05/31/05
What a fun story! And how special too. I wonder if you're really a dad who supported his wife through the birth of twin girls?
Kelly Klepfer05/31/05
Very funny.... have you a piece ready for waning estrogen? The funny menopause years are rich with material to mine, also.
Jamie Driggers05/31/05
Hilarious! Tell me what you REALLY think! My dad could totally relate.
Judy Anderson05/31/05
This is laugh-out-loud funny! Loved the part about needing pain medication and knocking over the how-to books. As parents we continually find out how little we do know! Thanks for a great piece.
Lynda Lee Schab 06/01/05
Oh, I loved this! Funny, funny, funny. It seems you need a few pointers on labor/delivery etiquette. Check out my article, "No Pain? Are you Insane?" for ten important rules for husbands when their wives are in labor.
Well written humor. I may have a clue who wrote it...we'll see. :-)
Blessings, Lynda
Christe McKittrick06/01/05
Your tongue must be firmly planted in your cheek for this one. Laugh out loud piece. Interesting twist on estrogen at the birth, too.
Cheryl Thompson06/01/05
I loved this piece! Made me laugh!
Debbie OConnor06/02/05
Hysterical! I love it. :)
dub W06/02/05
Congrats, this is great, and funny...well maybe not so funny for some parents. Great job.
Joanne Malley06/03/05
I always have sympathy on men who brave their lives while living with only females! hehe Great fun; great writing.
Val Clark06/03/05
Quite a departure for you! Funny story, well told.
Pat Guy 06/03/05
You captured "that moment of stillness, the perfect instant" very well - a most defining moment! Great job.
Amy Michelle Wiley 06/03/05
Great story! Well written and very entertaining.
darlene hight06/04/05
Loved it! Very fun. Could feel the confusion when you were asked where you thought that you were going. LOL
Nancy Hardy06/06/05
Comic-relief at it's finest!
Deborah Porter 06/06/05
Maxx, I LOVE this. It's delightful and funny and heartwarming all at once. It also came very close to being in the Editors' Choice (if we had ten places, you'd have been in). I'd love to use this in a future FaithWriters' Magazine issue. It just has so much going for it and would be perfect for either "The Joy of Family" or "Parents' Survival Guide." Could you send me a quick note and let me know if we have permission to use it? Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator - but you already know that... by the way, did you get my e-mail about your entry for Easter? It came back saying that there were problems delivering it.)
Jessica Schmit05/19/06
LOL. A comedy?! Pure wonderful humor with a cold does of realism. This has to be part of your book! Fabulous quirky sentances. I loved the books falling on him "Parenting for Dummies." It's priceless! I laughed out loud when I read the part about the man leaving his wife at home in the bathroom. That was pure genius. Reading through it, it didn't even sound like you. You compeltely changed your style of writing, your sentence structure. Amazing. So versitile.