The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/31/08
Nice job with atmosphere and characterization. The contrast between the two workplaces was stark and effective.
Excellent job of showing it's what's on the "inside" that counts. Very enjoyable read on topic.
02/03/08
Your title is perfect and your writing is good on this. I liked how you tied it all together with the cup of coffee.
02/05/08
Awesome contrast, subtle and stark at the same time...very good job contrasting...easy read...blessings Brenda
02/05/08
Very good, and the dialog between these two was absolutely realistic.

I noticed one tiny thing: "tract" for "track." And here's a suggestion--I love that your dialog is nearly tagless, but it also seems to fall into a pattern of "what they say" followed by a description of their action. My suggestion: switch it around occasionally--a description of the action, followed by "what they say." It'll give your writing a bit more syncopation.

This was a unique approach to the topic, and I liked it very much.