The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/31/08
Nice job with atmosphere and characterization. The contrast between the two workplaces was stark and effective.
02/02/08
Excellent job of showing it's what's on the "inside" that counts. Very enjoyable read on topic.
02/03/08
Your title is perfect and your writing is good on this. I liked how you tied it all together with the cup of coffee.
02/05/08
Awesome contrast, subtle and stark at the same time...very good job contrasting...easy read...blessings Brenda
02/05/08
Very good, and the dialog between these two was absolutely realistic.

I noticed one tiny thing: "tract" for "track." And here's a suggestion--I love that your dialog is nearly tagless, but it also seems to fall into a pattern of "what they say" followed by a description of their action. My suggestion: switch it around occasionally--a description of the action, followed by "what they say." It'll give your writing a bit more syncopation.

This was a unique approach to the topic, and I liked it very much.