I thought it might help. I certainly didn’t think it would hurt.
We married young, and everything was good. She was a childhood sweetheart. We met in grade school, liked each other in junior high, and fell in love in high school, long after our friendship had already been decided.
Our classmates voted us the cutest couple, and not long after graduation we became engaged. She wanted us both to finish school first, but I wasn’t so sure. Four years? How could we hold out that long?
We were both Christians, and made a vow to remain pure before marriage. I didn’t just go along with the arrangement to please her, I honestly thought it was a good idea too.
The first few years were good, they really were. We had it all. We enjoyed each other’s company, and we had a good sex life. I couldn’t have been happier.
Then the kids came.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my children. I was a good father, and she was a good mother. After all those years of being just us, there was a lot more to take care of now. I mean, in high school, we were inseparable. In college, we were inseparable. In the first few years of marriage, we were inseparable.
After the kids, we were separable.
She never had time for me. I couldn’t seem to do anything right, especially around the house. I tried, I really did, but I guess I just couldn’t figure out what she wanted.
That good sex life we had turned into no sex life. I was lonely.
I never cheated on my wife. Never even was tempted, believe it or not. I did, however, rediscover pornography.
I saw my first magazine as a pre-teen, but didn’t get hooked then. I guess it was because I didn’t know how to get a hold of it. Those were the pre-internet days, and I couldn’t just go into a store and buy it. That magazine was one Matthew found in his father’s dresser drawer.
We thought we were cool, but Matthew got in trouble and that was that. End of story, end of my exposure to pornography, until I had no other choice.
After a while, I was hooked. It was exhilarating, although I did feel a little guilty. I even told my wife, thinking she may enjoy it with me and rekindle our relationship.
Was I wrong.
“How dare you ask me something like that,” she screamed at me when I told her my idea. “What is your problem?”
“I just thought maybe it would help us,” I said. “You don’t even look at me any more, much less touch me. What am I supposed to do?”
“How can you even ask me about sex? I’m tired all the time, it’s really hard being a mom. And, it’s not like you help me out much around here. How dare you even ask me about watching that stuff with you.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I said again, not really knowing what else to say. “How can we go from an active sex life to…nothing?”
Nothing is what she said. I never asked her to look at pornography again. That didn’t mean I stopped. I dove in head first. It was my escape. I figured it would keep my interest in sex going, meet my needs for a while, and then we’d be ready to pick up where we left off when her interest in the matter returned.
Samantha, as I came to know her, was beautiful. She occupied most of my waking hours. Airbrushed or not, edited or not, she was perfect. Attentive. She desired me, and I enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, my wife did not.
She was mad that I had asked her to participate, but furious that I had continued in my new pursuit. The angrier she got, the more attractive Samantha became. She was my new lover. While I was never actually unfaithful, I had a mistress. It was the best I could do under the circumstances.
I resolved myself to the situation, and became happier in the process. The guilt subsided, but never totally went away. I still held out hope that my wife would snap out of her funk, and we could resume our relationship that once was.
Until then, my beautiful Samantha would be my companion.
The divorce was final six months ago.
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