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If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you’d tell him.
The words pounded in my head like a relentless hammer until I felt physically ill. I rose up in bed, feeling overwhelmed again. My critical companions, fear and inadequacy, taunted me. I knew I needed to take action.
As so many times before my head was struggling with my heart, believing it knew best when it came to sharing truths with those I loved. I remembered watching other relationships I’d cherished crumble before me as I held onto my secrets.
In the late night hours, my mind was still groggy, but I couldn’t get the picture of Kevin out of my mind. My thoughts drifted back to the previous evening’s dinner when Kevin had asked me to marry him. In order to guard my heart, I had brushed him off, reluctant to give him an answer. His disappointment had been almost more than I could bear.
If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you’d tell him.
Trying to relax, I pushed several pillows behind my back for support, and reached for my Bible on the nightstand. I sat, silent, for a time, trying to calm my anxious heart. Trying my best to submit and pray to the Father. It wasn’t coming easily. I was resisting, as usual.
Turning to one of my favorite Psalms, I read: “O Lord, Thou has searched me and known me. Thou dost know when I sit down and when I rise up; Thou dost understand my thought from afar. Thou dost scrutinize my path and my lying down, and art intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, Thou dost know it all.” (Ps. 139: 1-4, NASB)
The Father knew my wicked ways and the sins of my youth. He knew me before time began. Though I seemed to struggle with forgiving myself, I knew deep down He had forgiven me. Could Kevin?
If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you’d tell him.
I closed my eyes, reflecting on the passage, still struggling with sharing my past with the man I loved. As the evening hours marched on, I began to absorb the peace, feeling the security of the Father’s presence. I relaxed against the pillows, opened my hands, palms up in praise. I was suspended in time as early morning darkness relinquished its hold on a glorious pink dawn.
A scratchy rendition of the Halleluiah chorus transported me out of worship as I realized that Kevin was calling on my cell phone. He would expect an answer and I knew it was time. I couldn’t run any longer.
If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you’d tell him.
Picking up the razer, I flipped the phone open. “Hello.”
“Hi, Sarah. How are you feeling today? Better?”
“Yeah, not bad. Kevin, can you come over to my apartment? I need to tell you something. It can’t wait.”
“Let me get dressed first, okay?” I could hear a familiar laughter escape his lips, travel across the phone lines, and enter my heart. It was reassuring.
“Kevin?”
“Yes.”
“I love you . . . more than anything.” My words were nearly a whisper.
“I love you, too, Sarah. I’ll see you in a little while.”
With my Bible still open on my lap, I glanced up to Psalm 138 and read verse 8: “The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; do not forsake the works of Thy hands.” (NASB)
If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you’d tell him.
“Yes, Lord. I will tell him.”
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