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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Valentine (05/16/05)

TITLE: The Perfect Valentine: Every Girl's Playbook
By Joanne Malley
05/22/05


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The Perfect Valentine: Every Girl’s Playbook


From the look on your face, there’s no need to say anything.

You just broke up with the ratfink—I mean, boyfriend—didn’t you?

I bet you’re crushed, especially since there’s no special valentine in sight for the upcoming holiday, right?

I’m sure it doesn’t help, but I’ve been there…and repeatedly discouraged with severed relationships. We’ve all had certain ideas about romantic bliss and feel slighted and hurt when things don’t go our way.

Well…the dating game is played on one humongous field—sometimes too big and dirty for any gal without protective gear.

So, here’s my advice as well as some guidelines to help you make a touchdown with the perfect valentine…

Call time out and take a break from getting your heart tackled and stomped. Restructure the whole relationship thing and gain control. Say, “Pass the ball guys, I’m running with it my way, even if I do run like a girl!”

You need to search for a guy without the usual male quirks; one who’s different and preferably one who’ll let you call some of the plays. Don’t put up with guys who refuse to share the remote or the recliner. You also need someone who doesn’t flee at the onset of PMS or mood swings. I’m sure you’ve tolerated belching after a nacho and cheese fest, right? Your new guy should certainly be able to handle psychotic behavior once a month.

Be picky. I’m sure there are certain characteristics that tickle your fancy and plenty that don’t. If he takes longer than you at the mirror, tell him to go join the water boy on the sidelines…he’s not for you. Insensitive traits are also out—and yes, that includes passing gas right next to you.

You need someone who is sensitive enough to soothe you during those crying jags and strong enough in his male status to carry your thirty-pound handbag. Your guy should also be confident, but not have an ego the size of a football field. If he’s more into the condition of his upper torso and six-pack abs than he is in you, send him to the fifty-yard line to grunt with his friends.

Don’t push the relationship too fast. You don’t want him to take the ball and run the opposite way to Home Depot. Then, for sure, he’ll dump you in a flash for a power tool.

So, now you think you’ve found someone, but you you’ve been told he lurks at his mailbox awaiting his sister’s Victoria’s Secret Catalog. Yikes! Kick him off your line-up immediately. He’s obviously still a free agent searching for the team he wants to play on.

When you have snagged a good prospect as the perfect valentine, here’s how you should plan a special evening at your place…

First, put on a simple, but stunning, red dress. Of course, romantic music needs to play in the background and silky rose petals should be strewn everywhere for ambiance. Bring out your strawberry-scented candles for a delicate aroma; they’ll also cast a warm glow over the room. Your sweetheart will smile incessantly and blurt out romantic compliments even if he is pretending to adore all the mush and sappy romance.

Set two of your best glasses with his favorite beverage on the table instead of his preferred milk carton for chugging. Your valentine will be intoxicated and soak up every flattering glance you cast his way. Try your best to be equally enamored with him as he scratches his stomach and asks, “Where’re the nachos and cheese?”

Whatever you do, keep them locked in the cabinet. You’ll thank me later.

If the evening doesn’t go as you hoped, send him back home to play with his gadgets and gizmos. There’s always next year to try again with another prospect.

Need more advice?

Start a prayer chain immediately. It’s absolutely necessary to abolish those male quirks.

In my opinion, you may also need a much longer break. Keep every guy benched until further notice and go for the chocolate instead—a sumptuous treat that soothes lonely, disappointed hearts and cures those mood swings every time!


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This article has been read 888 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Maxx .05/23/05
too funny!
dub W05/23/05
I like the image of a playbook.
Dixie Phillips 05/23/05
Loved the prayer chain line..... Very witty!
WENDY DECKER05/24/05
This was cute and I think "out of the box" except for the chocolates.(:
Anthony Tophoney05/24/05
Funny approach and point well taken. I believe passing gas to someone next to you is technically known as a "flateral". (tee-hee) Thanks for the laugh!
Val Clark05/25/05
Very funny! Like the sports analogy. So glad I'm not young, single and looking for a guy. If flatulance was a big issue for women non of my boys would be married! LOL
Lynda Lee Schab 05/26/05
LOL Went for something a little different this week, eh? This may be out-of-the-box but it's still excellent, hilarious writing as always. Glad to see your humor hasn't left the box. Too fun!
Love, Lynda
Dori Knight05/26/05
Very creative, and well written to boot - awesome job!
John Hunt05/28/05
Clever, witty, funny, well written. But the remote and the recliner are still mine.
;-)
Pat Guy 05/29/05
Perfect! Need to publish this for young women in youth and College! Really!