The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 911 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
12/06/07
Very vivid descriptions and wonderful characterization. Felt like I was right there.
12/06/07
Your story is beautiful AND beautifully written. Good work on this!
12/07/07
Very nice. How hard to be a teen in a foreign land. You did a nice job in your descriptions and I like your title.
Laury
I like this story from a different cultural and age perspective. I like the title, and your writing is very good.
12/09/07
Wonderful and descriptive. Love the characters, too.
12/10/07
It must be so hard to be the child of missionaries! I really felt as if I knew Susan by the time I'd read this very good story. she was not just a one-dimensional character--not easy to do in such a short story.
12/10/07
RED PEN: I suggest beginning with the line. "It's as simple as a smile, Suzy." and her reply. Then go into the description of where they are. It will put the conflict right up front.
I like the ending.
12/11/07
First off, I liked this story. I could feel for the teen trying to adjust and feeling like the odd one out.
RED PEN: The beginning was a little confusing for me, at first, I thought they were walking up the mountain, because the dad (Bob) says they will climb the mountain every morning if they have to. I assume they are walking and am thrown slightly off course when she(MC) folds her arms across her chest and leans on the door. I wanted to know where the door came from. Then the tagless dialouge for her mother, I didn't know her mother was there as well, I thought it was just her father and her, so I'm wondering where 'mom' came from. I liked the touch of Marta having blue eyes. Maybe you could play on this a little longer, by when their eyes meet, besides the smile, show a little surprise/comfort in seeing familiarly colored eyes. (That's just a thought for me there, though ^_^) The end was pretty good. Nice job!
12/11/07
As a missionary in Latin America, I SOOOO identified with this story. Blond, blue-eyed M.K. kids always get patted on the head, pinched on the cheeks and stick out like sore thumbs (except perhaps, in Scandinavia!). Most of them survive to bless the Lord, sometimes long after, for the opportunity of being part of God's plan for the nations. Good work.
12/12/07
So glad she found a friend! Good writing here, thanks for sharing this girls fears!
12/12/07
Great title which really captures the heart of your piece. You showed and told this story so beautifully that I felt like I was a part of the scene. Excellent writing.
I loved the descriptions and the story line.
This part gave me chills:
“Si, because I'm a Christian and I have blue eyes they've even called me a witch.” Marta's eyes clouded briefly, but then cleared. “But I can tell that you don't think I'm strange. You understand.”
That really touched me. I was so happy for your MC to find a friend.

I agree with Sue's comments. At at first I was really curious as to what country they were in. I wanted more clues (In many places the people all have dark hair). Then they started speaking in Spanish and I was sastisfied.

This is very, very well written. The descriptions, the dialogue, all of it. Good job!

12/12/07
I loved your descriptions of the setting and the authentic dialogue. I wondered about the story behind the latina's blue eyes. That word count gets in the way sometimes.
Terrific story!
12/12/07
¡Magnifico! Excellent writing--it could be one chapter in a book!
You did a good job of creating intrigue in your story and interest in your characters. I could very easily see this being expanded to a novella form.
Great job.
Your story is very touching and beautifully written. Well done!
12/13/07
Fabulous! My only Red Pen: "A stooped old man shuffled out the gate " I think "out of the gate" would sound better, but I don't know if yours is wrong. :) And I like Yvonne's suggestion too. Good job, my friend! :) Love, Cat