When God Says "Wait"
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is one that I've had to lean on many, many times throughout the years. "Hope deferred," the verse promises, "makes the heart sick but desire...when it comes...brings forth joy."
Desire, when it comes. It's a delayed gratification thing...something none of us would choose, few of us want but something that all of us must deal with it at one time or another in our mad dash hectic chaotic lives.
From the time I was old enough to hold dolls and play house, I longed to see one beloved dream come true: I wanted to be a mother.
Had I known, back then when I was happily immersed in playtime, engaged in pretend mothering, that I would not have a baby till I was 33, I might have given up.
Each month during those long stretched-out years of infertility I cried. I cried when my period came on schedule and I cried when it didn't, because even then my pregnancy tests were depressingly consistent: NEGATIVE.
There were times I could not be around my friends and family because it hurt too much. Mother's Day celebrations were nightmares for me...standing alone and barren in the midst of the whole maternal celebratory hoop-la.
I prayed. I fasted. I begged God for one child, just one. I gave up chocolate. I gave up Cokes. Nothing happened. And then one day I read a thin book called "Hung By The Tongue." God used that book mightily to change my heart, my thoughts and, ultimately, my life.
I began to confess positives in my life, to be more grateful for the abundance in my life. I thanked God for EVERYTHING...the good, the bad and yes, the ugly. Surprising things began to happen.
God flooded my heart with a strong, simple peace and for once, I didn't care if I ever did become a mommy. I knew somehow that He had to be LORD over all and that, until and unless He was, I'd remain lost and longing for something...someone...I'd never had in the first place.
I gave up. Got detached. Whatever you want to call it, I just let go. And then one day, nearly 12 years into my struggle to get pregnant, it happened! My little home pregnancy test stick had TWO lines! Praise God! I got on my knees on our cold hardwood floor and I wept with joy at His gift to me.
That was nearly 12 years ago. God blessed me with not one baby but three: Zoe, Chloe and Caroline.
Each time I look at my beautiful, healthy strong daughters I am reminded of the truth of that verse. Having my hopes "deferred" was making me sick, but when my desire came, finally, it brought me JOY unspeakable.
I love being a mom. Would I have loved it less if it had come easier for me? I do not know. Would I have loved it more if it had come easier? That, too, I do not know. What I do know is this, God has perfect timing and incredible devotion to His children. Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no and sometimes, as we all know so well, He looks with love on us and says one simple, strong, powerful word:
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