Memo to Agape Chapel Sunday School teachers:
It has come to my attention that some of you have grievances that you would like aired. While it might be more efficient to meet in person, my schedule does not allow it at this time. Hopefully this memo will clear up anything that requires immediate action.
Apparently, there seems to be one class that is the focus of some concerns. Mrs. Jacobs, that would be your class. It is not my intention to be The Gestapo. However, I feel it is pertinent to address these concerns.
Several people have noticed a lot of noise coming from your classroom. It has gotten so bad that it has become quite distracting. I’m not exactly sure what you’re doing in there, but the sound has been described as a “rumbling” or “growling” noise. There have even been a few reports of high pitched squeals from time to time. One concerned party said she saw John Thomas climbing out the window. It may be time for you to re-examine your discipline skills.
As far as the coffee and doughnuts you offer, that is a very generous and kind thing to do. I must ask you to stop this practice, though. The doughnuts don’t really seem to be a big problem, but the coffee is a different story. Half of the choir was late getting into the sanctuary last week as a result of the long lines outside the restrooms. Harriett Miller didn’t get to visit the ladies room at all last Sunday, but she did claim it was a blessing in disguise. She felt that crossing her legs actually seemed to help squeeze out the high notes in her “Blessed Assurance” solo.
I hope you all understand the purpose of this memo. Mrs. Jacobs, it is not meant to single you out, only to shed light on some issues. It is my fondest hope that these issues will be addressed and corrected.
Monty Wiggins, Sunday School Superintendent
Dear Mr. Wiggins,
It is MY fondest hope that you read this reply very carefully. I am doing the best I can. I am 60 years old, and I am the “youngster” in my class.
The “rumbling” and growling” noises you hear coming from my class is Brother Samuel. He is taking a powerful blood pressure medication that zonks him. By the end of the opening prayer, he’s snoring like a jack hammer. We have tried repeatedly to wake him, but he only stirs, and swats Sister Beth, who sits beside him. That always elicits a protest from her, which is no doubt the source of the squeal that has been reported to you. I will admit that one day Brother Lawrence was feeling a bit, shall we say, frisky, and squeezed Sister Oma’s knee. She smacked his hand and made a high-pitched noise, so it’s possible that was one of the squeals that were heard.
Brother John Thomas climbs out of the window on a regular basis. He does it to demonstrate that his joints are still well oiled and working properly. You will recall that the window is placed low, and requires a lot of bending to open it. He is very proud that he can twist his aged frame like a contortionist and climb out. He claims to be taking an herbal supplement that makes him feel 20 years younger. I can’t vouch for the supplement, but he must be doing something right. He won a line dance contest last Saturday. If you want to address the evils of dancing, please speak with him directly.
The coffee and doughnuts are a small gesture from me that the class seems to enjoy. May I suggest we use some of the funds set aside for emergencies and add another restroom or two? I can’t think of a better emergency to use the money for.
As far as discipline, surely you jest. I don’t know what I could do. They are certainly too old to spank, if corporal punishment was even allowed. Shall I take away their bran cereal?
I realize you are just doing your job. I also have to do mine. Please advise the other teachers that they are welcome to visit our class any time. Once the naps and fitness demonstrations are over, I think they would agree that my class has some of the most delightful and sincere Christians they have ever come across.
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