The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/25/07
Wonderful! I love the cross-cultural aspects of this, and especially of the ending.

Take a look at the last sentence of your 3rd paragraph--something's amiss there--but that's the only thing I spotted in this extremely strong entry. Very, very good.
10/27/07
A wonderful entry with vivid descriptions.

My only suggestion would be to look at the use of past tense passive verbs such as "was" and "were" and subsitute them for more active words.
10/30/07
Two things I liked here: the girl’s worry that accepting Jesus meant accepting the white man’s world; the way the missionary modelled Jesus to the people he had come to serve.
My main concern with the story is whether the girl would have seen herself as a “red” Indian. The term was popularised in John Ford westerns but I’m not sure that Native Americans would necessarily have seen themselves as “red”. One to ponder.
10/30/07
Love this story....In Jesus our hearts are color-blind. Sweet.
10/30/07
This one is just excellent. I was engaged completely. The descriptions and word choice were wonderful.