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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Christian Baptism (10/18/07)

TITLE: Water is too good for them!
By Corinne Smelker


My Dear Strumpet:
How good to hear from you again. Your poor old aunt thought you’d turned to the ‘dark side’ because you had been so quiet! Imagine my delight when Demonica forwarded your letter to me. As you probably don’t know (since it’s been so long since you’ve written) I have been promoted. I am now a thirty-seventh level temptress! Can you believe it! I am in charge of world leaders, and the like. I love the position, but it does put me rather closer to Michael and Gabriel than I would like. We all know the hassles they have given Our Father Below in his quest for world domination. However Our Father has assured me that with my new promotion he believes our victory is at hand.

I am sorry you’re having such difficulty handling your human. I would have thought that with all the tips I’ve sent you she would be firmly entrenched in Our Father’s Service by now. She is a rare breed though. I have seen it happen occasionally where temptation makes them look to the Enemy and he, in his infantile grace, rescues them. So, trying to dissuade her from her latest decision to be water baptized probably will result in a strengthening of her resolve. All right then, use that resolve and her strong will against her. Here’s what you do – let her get baptized. I know, I know, it is total anathema to us; but then afterwards make her a zealot about baptism. Not about baptism in general, but in how her baptism was performed. You know what I mean – some churches (so I have heard) believe in baptizing in the name of the father (not ours obviously), the son and the well you know, the H.S. Others believe in baptizing in the name of Je- Je-. No wait, I can write it, - Jesus (there I did it!) only; and still others believe that you have baptize an infant. Some believe in full body immersion, others in a genteel sprinkling. Some believe you can only get baptized in a river, yet others don’t care. Play on that. Does her church believe in full immersion? Then make sure she gets around those who believe in sprinkling. Watch the resultant war of words and gloat!

What is the use of that, you ask? Well, think about it – the more time she spends arguing her doctrinal viewpoint with fellow-self-deluded-believers, the less time she has to spend trying to convert our people! The silly humans don’t realize they’re all on the same side! It’s like giving them a knife set, and then sitting back and watching them go after each other! We get the credit when they’ve done all the work.

When you get her to focus her attention on the ‘how’ she got baptized, she loses the focus of the ‘why’ she did it, and the apparent life-changing power that comes with it. Remember, that’s how we lost several of John’s followers. I can’t fathom for one minute how taking a dunk in a water tank, or a river can empower these humans, but it does. Weird really, they bathe or shower with no effect (except for smelling better) but then they get baptized and unless we change their focus we lose ground with them.

Try it – it should work. Church splits (my previous specialty) have occurred over this, so we know it is a powerful weapon in our arsenal. Please write to me soon and let me know how it went. In the meantime don’t forget your poor dear aunt!

With much fire and brimstone,
Yours ever,
Aunt Diabolica


In tribute to C. S Lewis and “The Screwtape Letters”

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This article has been read 892 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Catrina Bradley 10/25/07
I had a thought to write in this style, but you've done much better than I could. If I didn't know it, I would have sworn I was reading from Lewis. Nice job!
Joanne Sher 10/26/07
Excellent writing - definitely "Lewisesque" - much to ponder.
Lynda Schultz 10/26/07
Message received. You could have just as easily written this about the second coming, election, worship styles, women in ministry or whether or not the "sacred desk" can be moved or not. Good voice well done.
Seema Bagai 10/27/07
Intriguing piece. Made me think about how the enemy drives wedges like this into the church.
Peter Stone10/28/07
What a brilliant article, I loved the humor, and also the warning about letting minor issues cause church splits. Unity comes first - minor doctrinal differences are really not important.
LauraLee Shaw10/29/07
Amazing. Incredible. Brilliant.
Kristen Hester10/29/07
Very good. I really enjoyed this and the reminder to not let our little differences separate us and keep us from the Lord's work. Great job!
Jan Ackerson 10/30/07
So fun! I think C. S. Lewis would definitely approve--and what an awesome message.

There's one sentence--I think it was toward the end of the longish paragraph--that might be missing a word. It's the sentence on infant baptism. Just in case you want to send this on...and I hope you do! It's so pointed and thought-provoking.