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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Worship (corporate) (10/04/07)

TITLE: Google Search: "The Perfect Church"
By Sheri Gordon
10/10/07


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Welcome to Mega Entertainment First Church. At ME First Church, our goal is to provide you with a worship service designed to meet your specific needs.

Please make a selection in each of the following categories. Upon completion, you will be transported to a virtual reality church service that guarantees an enhanced personal relationship with God. At ME First Church, we understand that your individual comfort and pleasure come first.


Size of church service:

_____Small (less than 100) – Provides a more intimate experience.
_____Medium (100-300) – You will feel you belong, but you can have your clique of friends, too.
_____Large (300-2,000) – Big enough to go unnoticed if you skip a few weeks for personal reasons.
_____Mega (over 2,000) – Perfect for those who want to be completely lost in the crowd.


Type of seat:

_____Traditional, hard-backed pew – Discomfort ensures no sleeping.
_____Cushioned pew – Tradition with comfort – allows dozing opportunities.
_____Folding chairs – Easy to move wherever you feel like sitting.
_____Stadium seats – Provides more of a spectator experience.


Temperature:

_____Warm
_____Cool
_____Just right


Volume:

_____Soft and serene
_____Loud and alive
_____Just right

(Note: Individual temperature and volume controls are provided so that you can make adjustments during the service to ensure your complete comfort.)


Music:

_____Traditional hymns – Organ or piano only. All verses are sung, with an Amen at the end. Hymnals provided.
_____Southern Gospel – May include shouting and dancing. Audience participation is mandatory. No words provided – you should know the songs.
_____Praise music – Includes Praise Team of singers with individual microphones, and Praise Band of musicians with electric guitars and drums. Words will be projected on an overhead screen.
_____Alternative Christian – Full band, with lead vocalist and back-up singers. No words provided. You will either already know the songs, or you won’t be able to understand the words anyway.


Length of service:

_____Less than 1 hour – with a sermon of no more than 15 minutes
_____1 hour exactly – not a minute longer or shorter
_____1½ hours – with lots of music
_____However long it takes to feel the Holy Spirit move.


Communion:

_____Every week
_____Once a month
_____Only on “special” occasions
_____What’s communion?


Altar call:

_____Every week
_____Only on “special” occasions
_____Never
_____What’s an altar call?


Bibles:

_____King James Version
_____New International Version
_____The Message
_____None – I don’t want to mess with having to look things up in the Bible.


Pastor’s preaching style:

_____Soft spoken, with only uplifting messages.
_____Loud, hell-fire-and-brimstone messages.
_____God’s messages only – the pastor should know what that means.


Pastor’s attire:

_____Formal robes, with shined shoes
_____Suit and tie, with shined shoes
_____Slacks and button-up shirt, with shined shoes
_____Jeans and t-shirt, shoes optional


Pastor’s gender:

_____Male only
_____Female only
_____I’m flexible


Pastor’s marital status:

_____Married only
_____Single only
_____I’m flexible


Congregation participation:

_____Minimal – Limited to standing, sitting, kneeling, singing, and responsive readings.
_____Moderate – Includes all minimal requirements, plus some clapping and swaying during music.
_____Maximum – All of the above, with the addition of hand-raising and some “Amens.”
_____Extreme – Anything goes. “Preach it brother”, speaking in tongues, dancing in the aisles, etc.
_____None – Just leave me alone.


Congregation attire:

_____“Sunday best” only. Women in dresses, men in suits.
_____Business casual. Ties for men – no coats. Dresses or nice pant suits for women.
_____Friday casual. Men in slacks and polo shirts, women in slacks or dresses (nylons optional).
_____Casual. Jeans and clean shirts acceptable.
_____Grunge. Hey, God doesn’t care what I look like.


Children in service:

_____Allow
_____Don’t allow


Teenagers in service:

_____Allow
_____Don’t allow


Children anywhere at church:

_____Allow
_____Don’t allow


Teenagers anywhere at church:

_____Allow
_____Don’t allow


After service activities:

_____None – I need to beat the crowd to Denny’s for lunch.
_____Coffee and tea would be nice – with those little flavored creamer packets.
_____Coffee, tea and donuts – I love my Sunday donuts – the ones with the sprinkles.
_____Full brunch – The church owes me something, because I tithe.
_____Church Potluck – Doesn’t the Bible say we’re supposed to have a potluck after church service?


Follow-up from Pastor:

_____I expect a weekly call.
_____A call when I miss church might be nice.
_____Don’t ever, ever, ever bother me at home. I’ll call you if I need anything.


After you have completed all sections, please hit the Send button. You will be instantly transported to your personal church service where you can freely praise God in your own style and complete comfort. We realize you have many options to meet your spiritual needs, and we sincerely thank you for choosing ME First Church as your worship service provider.


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This article has been read 807 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Karen Wilber 10/11/07
I am STILL laughing about the music selections and after-church activities. I remember my parents jokingly saying that the church I grew up in set its service time so that we could "beat the Baptists to lunch."
julie wood10/11/07
This totally delighted me! I could relate to it, as it reminds me of some of the skits we have in our church (the kind of church with drums, electric guitars, and people wearing shorts or jeans)that humorously portray different worship styles, etc. I could picture every type of service, as we've been to them all. Great job!
Kristi Sands10/11/07
Very, very creative! This was a different way to submit to the challenge, and it was extremely funny and sadly true.

Lynda Schultz 10/12/07
Good one. Maybe we could do it sometime like Ezra did it—everyone standing all day to listen to the Word of God—wouldn't that shake up the place.
Janice Cartwright10/12/07
This is taking 'seeker sensitive' to the max in a church! Clever and entertaining - but I hope we're not going there! Original and so near its scary! :)
Catrina Bradley 10/13/07
Very creative, and hilarious! Great job!! :) Cat
Linda Watson Owen10/15/07
What a hoot! ROFL! Did one of our members write this?? heehee! (I'm a preacher's wife ;-) ) This is hilarious! What fun!
Lisa Holloway10/15/07
A very creative, tongue-in-cheek entry. This was funny and only too true.
Joanne Sher 10/16/07
How clever! I can see why you enjoyed writing this. Got a bunch of giggles - and a bit of shame - as I went through this. Good stuff.
George Parler 10/17/07
Very interesting and creative approach to the topic. Good job.
Linda Roth10/18/07
Refreshingly different and so close to the truth! Very creative!